Failure

I got news today about the job that I interviewed for recently. It seems that they "filled the position" I guess that is soft talk for "we hired someone else." I am very disappointed that I didn't get the job, but I am also sort of glad that I get to finish out the project that I am currently working on where I work now.

The big problem now is figuring out what direction to go next. Do I stop looking for work and stay in my current job? do I keep looking for work in my field or in the field of props making? Do I look for a marketing-type job like I interviewed for? I am now faced with a number of options and I am not sure what is best for me. I know that I can no longer accept the inconsistent work that got me to this point but if I have to move on where do I move to?

Interview

Yesterday I had an interview for a job that is outside my field of experience. I have spent the last six years installing professional audio and video broadcast gear and now I am trying to get a job in another field. Changing careers is a daunting proposition but I feel that it is time to move on.

No small part of this decision is my girlfriend's advice and support. The interview was with the same company that she works at but in a different position and with a different team. I know that trying to work for the same company as your significant other can be a bad idea but the positives so steeply outweigh the negatives that I have to give it a shot.

I am now in that uncomfortable waiting period where I have done all that I can do and now must wait for their decision. I am not still searching right now because I have months more work at my current job. I feel a little guilty because I may be ditching my team at a critical point where they need me, but I have to do what I think is right for myself and for my future.

Change of Role

People have different inclinations and different strengths. Some people are very athletic, some people are intelligent, and some people are supportive friends. These strengths and weaknesses can sometimes define a relationship and other times be defined by a relationship.

I am reluctant to make comparisons between my ex and my girlfriend but this post is not about comparing these women but about my personal growth and how my life is influenced by the personalities of others. The reason I am using this example is because it is so unique of a situation, where the person in the role of significant other has changed but the repercussions of that role are much the same. I had six months to recenter myself as a single person and now another six months to align myself with this girlfriend and there are very compelling differences.

When I was with my ex-girlfriend, I was the more intellectual person in the couple. I had the inclination to read books and to plan projects and measure things, whereas she found the process of preparation to be fatally boring. I was the one to handle logistics and the one to drive. She was the driving force for physical things like running or hiking, and with a strong need to be outside and moving, she drove me to being a more physically active person. The roles in that relationship were assigned in a certain way and I became used to that.

Now I am in a different relationship with a very different woman and the roles are predictably very different. I am now the less intellectual one and the more physical one. I am the runner and she in running to share in my interest. I am reading one of her books (The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde) and learning to speak Spanish. I am coming to grips with that shift in perspective. I was the "smart" one and now I am not.

The idea of self identity is not something everyone ponders but I do. I have defined myself to some extent by my intelligence but now here in this pairing I am not exceptional. There is little use in trying to find some arbitrary scale that will accurately define which of us is smarter, but I can say this with certainty: she is much better educated than I am. So now comes the part where I could be threatened or insecure about this change in position but I am not. I am now in a place where I can debate and discover, consider and collaborate on the topics that interest us.

The physical role in an interesting reversal as well. I have been used to being overweight and awkward for so much of my life that now with my running and martial arts I am feeling strong and confident in a way I never have before. I want to share this with my girlfriend so that she can feel what I feel when I jump easily over a barrier or finish off a 5 mile run. (its been quite a while since I have run more than 3 miles but I am getting there) I am now the instigating force in things like this (she dances but dancing and running are not the same level of cardio) and it is a strange place to be in.

SCA Aspects

SCA stands for Society for Creative Anachronism. Basically it is a reenactment group that focuses on Europe from about 600AD to 1500AD. The resultant culture and experience is a cultural hodgepodge of eras and locations, technological levels and styles of dress. I could go on for pages and pages (screens?) of description and analysis of the SCA but for my purposes here I am going to assume a passing level of knowledge.

I went to a weekend camping event called Great Western War this past weekend and I have been thinking about how much of my time I want to dedicate and how deep I want to get in. There is so much to do that one could make it a full time adventure. There is garb and camp gear to be made and fighting or period crafts to perfect. Some people get so immersed that their 'mundane' identity becomes the secondary one and the SCA becomes their real life. I don't think that I ever want to get to that point but I do want to become more part of the society. There are people that share my love of handcrafts and are willing to share their knowledge.

I have been to two large camping events this season and the experiences make me want to make the SCA a part of my life. The question remains as to how to take action and fit myself in. I think that I am going to make contact with a few of the master craftsmen and attempt to persuade them to teach me something of their crafts (mainly ceramics and metalworking) and to make time to hang out with the locals at the weekly meetup.

Europe Vacation Part 1: Travel

I went to Europe for the third time in my life in the end of August and the beginning of September. The trip was new and amazing in so many ways that I am going to have to break up the posts to be able to get it all down. I am not going to write up a travelogue but may post the one my girlfriend wrote up for the sake of expediency.

The airplane ticket to get to Athens cost almost as much as the 9 day cruise that we were going to take. The plan was to get to Athens five days before the cruise was set to depart and to deal with accommodations once we got there. At the airport we headed over to an information booth to begin the process. I felt beaten and tired and out of my element so I let my girlfriend handle the reservation. She bounced from the information booth to a booth for hotels to a calling card machine, back to the information booth and finally to a phone booth. It turned out that a hotel room would run us something like 100 euro but a local hostel would only be 16 euro per person. We settled on the hostel on the premise that we wouldn't be spending any time in our room anyway.

The most useful thing in the world for a traveler is a good metro system and Athens has one. We took the metro from the airport to the hostel without any trouble and checked in. I was amazed at how easily everything worked out. We were able to talk to almost anyone in English and to go wherever we wanted mostly on foot. We only used the metro few times to get to the airport or some place that was a little farther then we had time to walk. With ancient ruins or monuments almost everywhere you go, easy travel, and easy communication, I was blown away at how little of a hassle it was to have a great time.

I have been on cruises before (but only to Mexico or the Bahamas) so I knew what to expect there and I wasn't disappointed. The ship took us to places where we rushed off to hit the sites for as long as possible before the ship left again. The cruise was a mixed blessing. On one hand it was like we woke up in our hotel every day in a new city but we only had a limited number of hours at each location to see what we wanted to see before we were off again. In a trip that included Athens, Myconos, Delos, Crete, Istanbul, Jerusalem, Bethlehem, and Giza I only felt like I got a good look at Athens. The other places went by in sort of a blur. I loved getting to see all that I was able to see but they were tours and not a explorations.

This trip has really shown me a few different ways to travel that I had not really tried before and my options were spread wide before me. I saw how easy things can be made, how to stay in hostels and how to pack light and move fast. I really enjoyed my girlfriend's travel mentality of spending as much time out as possible. I am looking forward to more trips with her to more places.

Athens

I am on vacation in Europe right now and I have been in Athens for a few days. I have been learning so much about ancient Greek civilisation. The beliefs, lives, and art of the people who lived here 2000 to 3000 years ago. I have been to the Acropolis, the Agora, several museums and seen many ruins spread about the city. Ancient periods lay on top and next to each other so that sometimes its hard to tell what is from when. I have made a point to read whatever plaques that I can and learn as much about what I am seeing as I can. My head is buzzing with all the new things that I have put into it.

The trip is less than half over and I still have several countries to visit and I have already seen so much and learned so much. I would love to write more but there is more city to explore and I can't bring myself to sit here on the computer for very long.

Pasadena Castle

Education

In my search for a new job, I have come to question a decision that I had made about my education. When I finished with high school I went to a local community college. I did this mostly because college is what you do after high school.  I was not sure for a long time about what kind of a career I wanted and what kind of education that I needed to achieve that. I finally became interested in video production and with that to focus on, I finished an associates degree.

I then found a job installing professional video gear and worked there for years. That job has come to an end and I am left wondering what I am going to do next. I have written out a resume and applied for a few jobs but we are in a recession and there are few jobs to be had. Now that I am sifting through job postings I am coming to the realization that my lack of a four year degree is limiting me.

Now I am second guessing myself. Should I try and go back to school? What kind of jobs are open to me and which are closed? At this juncture it is not difficult for me to go back to school, but it would mean dropping work for a few years. I don't want to do that, I don't think there is much for me at school; any degree I would earn would only be a trophy to show others and not a real representation of accomplishment. I seem to have the ability to learn things for myself or from books, and when I want to know something I look into it and figure it out.

The goal seems to be to make money. I have met a few self made millionaires in my life. The common thread is not education, but proper management of money. I do want to make a pile of money  not for the sake of pure opulence but to be able to pursue the arts and crafts that interest me. I am just not sure what path is the right one for me to take to that goal. I am going to have to do some serious out of the box thinking

local Carnival

Shopsmith Repair

I was able to repair my Shopsmith today. My father hunted down a replacement part for me on ebay, I picked it up yesterday, and installed it today. This means that I am up and running again on my wood turning. I guess that this means that my next craft endeavor has been decided for me. The problem here is that the olive wood that I had looked forward to turning seems to be all cracked beyond use. I have now attempted three goblets (one today and two a few months ago) and given up shortly after roughing them to round because of too many deep cracks. Perhaps the climate here is too dry and I should have put them in plastic bags to slow the drying process. It seems that sealing the ends with wax was simply not enough.

Today I worked on one piece of olive wood and the piece of purple-heart that I damaged the lathe with. I finished the outside of the Purpleheart bowl and stopped to consider the inside. I  can see a lot of hairline cracks on the surface of the bowl and now I am worried about the bowl exploding when I carve out the inside. I think I will give it a try while wearing a full face shield and making sure to keep out of the plane of rotation. I have been making an effort to be safer on the lathe lately. I don't want to learn to be safe the hard way and this time I wore safety glasses the whole time and a dust mask while sanding. These failures leave me with a dismal record of success on the lathe, and I am starting to get disheartened.

I really need to get a job so that I can afford to build a raku kiln and buy the stuff to do lost wax casting. What ever happened to the days where you could make a living as an artisan?

Craft Confusion

I am caught once again by the dizzying array of projects that I am interested in. I want to build a raku kiln and learn lost wax casting and carve a pimp-cane for a friend (but I lost my drawknife) and write stories and learn oil painting and so many more. It gets to the point where all the choices just serve to paralyze me and I do nothing. What should I make next?

Dunes

Mead Batch 6 Failure

I went to bottle mead batch 6 this morning and found out that it is a failure. I am not sure whether it is the inconsistent temperature or the time I let the fermentation lock run too dry, or if it was when I moved back home during the process, but it was so bad that I poured it down the drain. I was so disappointed that I forgot to take a specific gravity reading before dumping it so I have learned almost nothing from this batch. next time I need to find a temperature controlled place to store it and I need to not move while I am making a batch.

What shall I do for my next batch?

Limitations

I was a late bloomer. When I was younger, I had trouble finding my place in things. I was so afraid that I would not fit in that I avoided any opportunity to try. I slowly narrowed myself down to only things that I could not fail at. I wore a lot of black and tried to blend in. I also built limitations into myself. Convinced myself that I could not do things and blocked them off as possibilities. Dressing fashionably, dancing, athletics, and many other things were simply out of my reach. I kept my head down and just tried to survive school. So many years were wasted hiding.

Sometime after high school I lost interest in hiding and became convinced of my own worth. Since that epiphany I have slowly been discarding my limitations. I have attempted a marathon and become a semi-regular runner. I have made a widespread network of friends (when I used to be to afraid that I was bothering people to call them). I have started dance lessons. I am casting off all of my old notions of what I could not do. It is amazing to ask myself "why not?" when confronted with a new situation; where I once would have been afraid of the views of my peers, I now jump in and make it my own.

It has been a long journey, from a place of constant self doubt to the realization that everyone is either trying to get along or doesn't care about your silly antics. This is a very liberating realization, and I feel much less compulsion to just get along and more able to indulge in my silly antics. I wish I could teach this to a few people I know, but it seems to be so personal of a realization that you can only come upon it yourself (or perhaps in a dream within a dream?).

The Effects of Coffee

I have been sort of listless lately. With the lack of a regular job, it has been up to my own discretion and willpower as to when I get up and how much I get done during the day. One of the factors in the equation Attention Deficit Disorder. I have never been diagnosed with ADD but my father has it, a few of my friends have it and for a long time I have been fairly sure I have it. I tend to downplay my ADD because I have met so many people that wear it like a badge of honor signifying their nonconformity with societal norms or as an excuse for ineffectiveness. I don't want to let my "disorder" define me as a person so I just don't mention it.

This brings me to the coffee. I have noticed over the past year that a cup of coffee has a positive effect on my attention span for activities that require quiet focus. I have been writing a resume and building an accompanying webpage, and that requires me to sit still while focusing on text and formatting. The coffee helps. I am not sure what part of the caffeine acts on what part on my brain but it makes a difference. Not all projects require this chemical assistance but the resume certainly does.

Unbirthday Party

Crowns that I made for my girlfriend and myself. we were the king and queen of hearts.

Small Conversations

I had a conversation with one of my neighbors today. I had never said more than hello to her in the couple of months that I have been back living in this house but I was reading a book next to a window and she was out in her back yard with a bottle of bubbles. She is not yet three years old and has an excellent command of language for her age. She is a very bright and curious little girl, and we talked about rocks, bubbles, spiders, and the avocado tree in her back yard. Then it was time for her to go for her swimming lesson and I returned to reading my book.

Talking to a two-year old is entirely different than talking to an adult and I enjoyed our little conversation about nothing of consequence. I quickly realized that I needed to use simpler words or give context for what I was saying, and that her interest on any one subject would slide in and out of focus. I have said many times lately that talking to people that are very much younger than myself is boring or frustrating or both, but there I sat talking to my diminutive neighbor with a good humor. It was refreshing to talk to someone who is freshly discovering the world (she didn't know that spiders eat other bugs) and does not have an arrogant assumption of understanding. There was no ulterior motive or expectation just bubbles, giggles, and plain conversation. Adorable.

Shakespeare

I enjoy theater. I have seen more plays than most people but I recently realized (thanks to my girlfriend) that I had only ever seen one live performance of a Shakespeare play, and that was a high school production of A Midsummer Nights Dream. I am now seeking to remedy this failing. Last night I saw King Lear at the Def West theater in North Hollywood. It was quite a play. Plenty of death despair plotting and madness. I really enjoyed the play and the company (my girlfriend and her close friend from work). I have been to numerous plays with them (and sometimes my girlfriend's parents) and look forward to many more in the future.

Coming up are Love's Labor Lost, and A Winter's Tale in two weeks. After that there is Othello at Griffith Park and who knows what else.

There are reasons that Shakespeare is still performed and talked about all these years later and I am finally discovering them for myself.

Inflection Point

I have stopped working. I have decided that, given the facts, there is no reason to expect the company to turn around and become profitable again. This leaves me with a few options that I need to consider.

First let me mention that I have a solid savings. Even after the vacations that I have planned for August and November, I could probably live off my savings for a few months more. I have moved back to my mother's place for what was originally going to be a month before renting a house with some friends (that plan is dead and buried) and my bills are practically nothing. As excruciating as it is for me to be unemployed and living with my mother, I am not poor or uncomfortable at the moment. (To clarify, I don't mind being around my mother, I mind the social implications of living at home at my age, but not so much to go out and burn money on rent unnecessarily.)

Second I should mention an obstacle in the way of obtaining solid work. I have an almost three-week vacation coming up. I will be out of town late August to early September in eastern Europe. Any job that I attempt to get would have to be flexible enough to allow me the time away after only a month of working. I am not going to skip out on my vacation even if it means being unemployed until then. I could collect unemployment until then, or I could live off of savings.

I have a few options on how to proceed with getting a new job. First is the choice of what to do with my current job. I am now on zero hours per week, my boss will lay me off if and when I ask him to and I believe he would hire me to work for him again if he were able to make the deal he is trying to get to open an installation branch for another company. At this point I cannot wait any longer for this deal to go through, I need to secure another job and paycheck. If I get something temporary and the stars align enough to allow my boss to hire me again, then I will consider it then, but now I cannot count on it. So, I have to get some other job.

The jobs that I am looking at are through a couple of contacts that I have. I don't have anything concrete yet but I have a couple of potential positions. The first is an installation job wiring together some systems for the government. It is somewhere between a year and two years worth of freelance installation work. This job would be for more money then I was getting, but with no benefits and no security and in the same type of work that I think is a dead end for me. With the constant march of technology, I believe that skilled installers such as myself will find our jobs evaporate from under us. I expect that as systems get more powerful and easier to install, my services will be less in demand. I am not interested in hanging around until I become obsolete.

The second job connection is from an editor friend of mine who thinks that he can get me a job in the machine room of the facility where he used to work. The pay would be less then I make (don't make?) now, but it would probably be an employee position where I could move up to a better position. In this option, I would try to eventually become a supervisor to do the job of dealing with the client and keeping the editors on track and working at full efficiency. I would not be trying to become an editor due to my lack of stereo-vision and the inevitable dominance of 3D programming. This job is less likely for me to get and less pay but has a greater potential for the future.

I guess it mostly depends on which job I can actually get. I think the best outcome is doing the freelance thing between now and my vacation and then trying to get the permanent job after I come back.

Wish me luck.

Bound for Mexico

Thanksgiving has been less and less of an event as years go by. It started as a huge gathering of my fathers side of the family where we all catch up with each other. Now my grandparents are gone, and father is rarely in the country for thanksgiving or for his birthday which is around the same day. Now the dinner feast is just one family and a couple of uncles and cousins. I go each year because if I didn't then I would only see this part of my family for Christmas or not at all.

This year a few anomalies have cropped up, both are birthdays. My father may actually be in town for thanksgiving and his birthday and so I want to be able to celebrate them with him. The second is that it is my girlfriend's grandfather's 90th birthday that weekend, and she has invited me to go with her to Mexico City to celebrate with her and her family.

I have not been to Mexico in many years and Mexico City is where the Girlfriend grew up, so I very much want to go with her. I decided to approach this decision directly and e-mailed my father about his birthday. He said that I should go, and that if it were his choice he would go himself. That makes half of the decision but now comes the financial part. I have recently booked a eastern Mediterranean cruise and done an expensive car repair. The thought of buying another plane ticket does not thrill me. I very much want to go, and probably will but now I am watching my carefully constructed savings crumble before my eyes.

Vacation Planning

I called up a travel agent today. I am planning cruise on the eastern Mediterranean to include Greece, Turkey, Israel, and Egypt. It is a big trip and not cheap to do, but it could be amazing. I am apprehensive about the trip however, because of my reasons for going.

Those of you who read this blog already know that I have a new girlfriend. I think about her constantly and have a need to spend as much time with her as I can. The feeling is mutual and we do whatever we can to meet up as often as we can. So as you have probably already figured, I am going on this vacation with her. I am a little scared of this commitment so soon in our relationship but I am more excited for the vacation and time we will spend together.

She had already booked the trip, and I am getting the same package, so it will be 'our' vacation instead of just hers. I have never been to any of the places we will be going. It will be an Adventure.

Plays

I really hit the theater this weekend; my girlfriend and I saw three shows.

The first was on friday in Los Angeles. It is called Chasing Monsters, and was about an alcoholic and his inability to escape the cycle he was stuck in. It was an ugly play about a horrible part of life. In its way it was effective, but It was not the kind of thing that I enjoy watching.

Second was Saturday night in San Diego. My girlfriend and I drove down to the gaslamp district (which is apparently the cool part of town) and watched the Reduced Shakespeare Company do the complete works of William Shakespeare in 90 minutes.The show was hilarious. We had both seen it before, me in London and she in Mexico City. Before the show we had a chance to go to a local pub called The Tipsy Raven, and after the show we walked around the district a little lost but enjoying it. We really needed the laughs after the show we saw on Friday, and the night was a boatload of fun.

We spent the night in San Diego with a friend of mine and on Sunday we headed on back to LA via Downey where we watched Rodgers and Hammerstein's Carousel. I don't wish to trash the actors who did a good job, but Carousel is a shitty play. From the first scene I kept asking myself why the characters were doing what they were doing. The play is a tragedy but with completely unsympathetic characters, so when everything comes crashing down you don't care. The plot lacked subtlety, and the characters lacked depth. I spent the entire time snickering with my girlfriend and our other friend about how bad the play was. I fell a little bad about the people in front of us (there was nobody behind us) but if they could ignore the shittyness of the play then perhaps they could ignore the rudeness of my commentary.I could go on and on about the problems with the play but I would rather just put it behind me.

Probably the best part of the play was after the intermission and before act II, an older woman came on stage in a dress that belongs in an early 90s prom. Her expression and body language added a sense of silly enthusiasm to the event. She had this finishing school sense of delicate humor and propriety that when combined with her out-of-place fluffy dress made the whole situation giggle-inducing.

I have been to more plays in the past month than in the previous two years. I look forward to continuing the trend but at a slower pace.

Dancing at 2:00am

I am going to go back and describe last night's dance lesson again because in re-reading what I wrote about my day, there is no poetry or beauty in the description. Hopefully this is better.

It was 1:30am and we had left the bar behind. Karaoke was accomplished and it was getting late. My girlfriend's friends were ready to go and so we left. Out on the street we hugged our goodbyes and I told all these strangers, these new friends how nice it had been to see them and that I would see them "next time."

Now came the hard part of the night. Since she and I live almost an hours drive away from each other we always come and leave again in separate cars to separate directions. We were faced with the unavoidable goodbye. I was parked closer so we walked to my car and then we drove to hers.

At this time of night, the streets are empty of people and cars. The noise of the city has died down and even the sounds of the nearby freeway are hushed. She was parked in the lot of a nearby office building and so I drove over to her car and parked in the next spot over. We had the entire parking lot to ourselves. It was one large empty space with white lines and a wash of orange light, and us.

There we sat in my car with the radio serenading us with the sounds of a vaguely Latin band that I had heard of though a friend's wife. The moment to say goodbye had come and neither of us was ready or willing to say it. We sat and talked a little, we kissed a little, and we were silent a little. There was talk about what we each had planned for the next day, we mused about the karaoke songs that we had sung or heard at the bar, and there was talk about when she would teach me to dance.

I sat there looking at her smile, at her eyes and knowing that the affection that was clear on her face was also clear on mine. I asked her when we would make time for her to teach me how to dance and as always, we just shrugged it away as "sometime."

"Why not now" I asked her.

She smiled and said "sure"

"I don't know if you are serious" I said tilting my head to the side and smiling."Lets do it!" I turned up the radio and got out of the car.

"Are we really going to do this?" she said getting out of the car as well with a big smile.

So there in the lights of the parking lot and with the privacy of 2:00am she pushed and pulled and spun and danced me. I stepped and danced and stumbled and spun and turned and all the time I touched her and held her and we were together and alone.

Finally after about an hour spent in the parking lot dancing and kissing and dancing some more, we could no longer put off what was inevitable. I had to go east and she west. We held each other for another long moment and parted.

Why Not?

Today was quite a bunch of fun.

I went to the presentation of a house to one of my girlfriend's co-workers. She had fallen on some serious hard times and Habitat for Humanity built her ,and ten other families, new houses in Glendale. It was amazing to see what people can do for each other if we all pull together. The task of building eleven houses is monumental but with the hundreds of volunteers and donations from companies it became a reality. I really need to volunteer with them some day,

After the presentation, Girlfriend and I headed back to my place because a couple of my friends that she hadn't met yet were going to come over and play a game of Warmachine against me. She met them , we had lunch and then she left to hit the driving range. The game of Warmachine was intense. It was a 3-way battle that came very close by the end but I prevailed. The game lasted longer than we expected because of the close end and by the time it was all done, I got a call from Girlfriend again asking if I wanted to go out to the karaoke bar she was headed to.

I bid my friends farewell (it was 11:30pm anyway) and hit the road to what happened to be a gay bar with karaoke. We sang "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira and Wyclef Jean and then after hanging out for about an hour we were done with the place.

I drove Girlfriend to her car because it was across the street and down the block in the parking lot of an office building and when we got there we lingered not wanting to say goodnight. Well, one thing lead to another and we wound up kicking on my radio with some Cat Empire CD's and at 2:00 in the morning I got a dance lesson in an empty parking lot with only the sounds of my car radio and the freeway for company. She showed me the basic steps for merengue and cha-cha, and some other bits and pieces here and there. It is a different mode of movement than I am used to but I have fun dancing with her. I look forward to when I will be good enough that we can go out dancing.

Today has been an exercise in doing things that are fun and not holding back. I almost backed out of the Warmachine game because after my recent move I couldn't find all my pieces, I could have backed out of going to the gay karaoke bar for any number of reasons, I could have not turned up the radio and gotten out of the car for the dance lesson (she didn't think I was serious about the lesson). I am getting better at not holding back, at not being afraid to do something new and unusual.

Life is good.

Los Angeles Window

Too Many Books

Taken in a loading dock behind a library. I wonder by what process these books were selected to languish here?

The Twentieth Century Way

My girlfriend (mi novia) took me to a play called The Twentieth Century Way last night. It was amazing. The cast is only two actors, the production design is minimal and the set is a stage. The characters are actors waiting for a movie audition. The play takes the form of an improvisational story line that the actors create as a form of competition while they wait. The story is a true story about the criminalization of homosexual activity and the use of actors by the Long Beach police department to entrap the men engaged in those activities. The scenes are done by the two actors as they slip from character to character to make the scene work.

The play was filled with a lot of meta thinking about acting and the nature of the craft. The way in which the actors create each character and the depth of each characterization makes it quite a performance. I highly recommend it and will probably be going again sometime. After the performance last night, the actors, writer, and director stuck around to answer questions. I was so overwhelmed by the play and the performances that I couldn't come up with any questions. I think I need another viewing to get it all in my head.

Some caveats: Because of the setting of the improvisation that the actors are creating, there is some sexual tension between the two male actors. Homosexuality is one of the primary themes of the play. The play ends with both men nude. The play runs 90 minutes with no intermission.

I recommend it highly.

Waste of time

TV is for the most part a waste of time. Having said that, Sarah my ex-girlfriend may be on a TV show that does makeovers. She called me and asked if I would go on it as a friend of hers that does not agree with her style. I told her that it sounded fun and when the producer called my I scheduled a time to go in for an interview. I read the release forms before going down there with an increasing trepidation. The contract is written to give the network (and anyone else they designate) full rights over the footage even so far as to say that they can lie to me and misrepresent me. I went down into LA anyway to talk to the producers and possibly do it anyway, and after talking about my concerns got the reply "Well, if you are that worried about it we would rather just find someone else." So I drove back to the office wasting a total of 2 hours.

Oh Well

Facebook Dynamics

I have added a few new friends to facebook this week. These are people that I met at an improv show called The Dungeon Master (see my Stage Ninja post) and It has changed the way I see my facebook. Until recently, all of the people I had friended on facebook were people that I know and spend time with in real life. I don't tend to be the person to initiate the friend request and on more than one occasion I have deleted or rejected someone that I don't know or don't care about.

Now I look at my status updates differently. There are people that will get my updates that don't know me. I consider things differently now that I have these new acquaintances. I want to keep personal information to myself but at the same time I don't want to bother people with frivolous bullshit, so my posting has dropped precipitously. I need to figure out what these new "friends" mean to me and how I am going to handle them. Do I charge forward full speed ahead and let them deal with my posts as they will? that seems to be the only answer as I will not allow it to stifle me. I just have to get used to my new use of Facebook to share with new people instead of just keeping tabs on old friends.

Bent

I was just out working on a bowl on my lathe and I think I broke it. I have an old shopsmith 10ER. When I say that this thing is old, I mean that this thing may be 50 years old or older. I was working on making a bowl out of a piece of purpleheart not unlike the one that I posted a picture of recently, and I caught the tool digging into the wood and stopping the revolutions of the blank. This put too much pressure on the spindle and it bent.

I know that my father has one of these machines (in fact he has managed to collect 4) and had done the same thing once. I am going to have to consult him on how to proceed from here. one thing is certan though. I am putting this machine through more stress then it was designed to handle. I have to face the fact that I need to get a real lathe. The problem is that the kind of lathe that I want costs around $5000 and I don't have that kind of expendable cash lying around.

What the hell do I do now!?

Doomed

Despite how crazy I feel about my new girlfriend, I cant help but feel that our relationship is doomed. A myriad tiny clues lead me to the feeling that we have a time limit. I am worried that we have 8 to 12 months, and by that time it will be over. I don't want this to happen but the feeling persists. What I have to remember is to not make it a self fulfilling prophecy. If I were to act like we had a time limit then I would be the one limiting the relationship, and I don't want that.

Connections

Ok, this one is even more sappy then the last one. If you are getting sick of it skip this next paragraph.

I am still resisting. Slowly the barriers come down and slowly I let her more and more in to my life. No, that's not true, there is nothing slow about it. I am running desperate and foolish. First it was the calls. I try to keep it cool but we talk for an hour or more on the phone about anything, just drinking each other in. We talk about her, about me, we talk about cultural identity and how it relates to ethnicity we talk about movies and places er have been. Then, when the week is over, we can see each other and hold each other. We look into each others eyes and kiss and think of anything anywhere as long as it is together. Then apart again which is like pain. I am addicted to her, to her touch, to her smell. It is a physical thing a crawling feeling beneath my skin, a shiver along my spine. I think of her and want to reach out, to text or to call. I check facebook and then I check again. I know her email address and want to connect to her via chat, but I don't because it will kill any focus that I have left. How can you miss someone that you saw that morning?

One thing that I still keep separate is this blog, but I do not know for how long. I asked a friend of mine and she told me what I should have already known: that it will be time when it is time, and counting days is irrelevant. I want her to be able to know about me and about my thoughts. I believe that she would care for me more after reading these posts so that is not what is stopping me from sharing. If I give her the address to this blog it will create an imbalance. She will have access to a couple of years of my thoughts and feelings. My thinking on my ex, my fears, my insecurities. I will have none of that. I trust that she is being open and truthful to me, but there is so much ground to cover and I think we should cover it together. Even so, I am already compensating for her future access. I have already omitted a post that I would have made about us. Only time will tell.

Cracks

I have done a little woodturning the past few days. I was successful in making a bowl out of purpleheart for my girlfriend but since that I have tried two more times and failed due to cracks in the turning blanks. This is a bit disheartening. One of the blocks was mango that my father brought me from the Philippines and the other was a piece of Olive that I cut myself when a friend was cutting down an olive tree in his yard. I hope that some of the other olive blanks are actually usable but I fear that they are all too cracked to use.

Disgusting Behavior

I have been putting off this post because it is overly sweet and sappy. If you don't want to read about my silly stupid happiness about my girlfriend then read no further.

It has been three weeks since I met her and we only made it official on Wednesday. Despite or more likely because of the brevity of our relationship, we are crazy about each other. She has already met my mother and I have met her parents. We have a to-do-together list. When we are together we are like magnets and once we reach a distance of about two feet we snap into touch contact. When we are apart even for a day I miss her and she misses me. She is on my mind constantly. I have changed my song play-list to include more songs that remind me of her.

She approaches the world with such joy that I am carried along. I have fun just being with her and seeing her love of life. We went out dancing on Friday night even though I am not a dancer, but with her it was a pleasure to go out and bounce around on the dance floor. I took her to the Renaissance Faire and we will be going to SCA events together. I want to take her everywhere and introduce her to all of my friends. We talk about art and history and music and tv and travel and ourselves. We laugh a lot.

Three weekends and a handful of days in between is not much compared to my last relationship but my heart says none of that matters and this is right even if it is fast. My brain is reeling and struggling to maintain control but it is a losing battle.

Girlfriend

Its Official, I have a Girlfriend.

Woodturning

working on a purpleheart bowl, on my rudimentary lathe. This wood is difficult even painfill to work with

Time Flies When You Are Having Fun

It has been a wonderful and yet torturous week. I am fairly obsessed with a girl that I met two weeks ago and time has been scraping by while I wait for my chance to see her again. We hit it off extremely well and I am sort of afraid of the pace at which we are going. I don't want to give her the title of 'Girlfriend' yet but feel like it is inevitable. In the mean time I have not been blogging as much as the past two months mostly because of her. She is the big thing on my mind and I don't want to divulge undue detail here on the web where anyone can find it.

One thing I will say is that as wonderful as this is, it ruins my plans. I thought that since I was in a seven and a half year relationship, I should stay single and date casually this year. I was looking forward to a year of wine women and fun. I had a finally lined up a few girls in my sights and then one of them just hits me in the face with copious amounts of awesome. Part of me is resisting what most of me knows already, that this girl is a keeper and that it is time to drop the other lines of inquiry.

So much for my plans.

Sharing

How much disclosure is enough? How much privacy is normal? I have been writing in this blog for a couple of years now, and soon I will have to make a decision that I had not considered on the nature of what I post here and with whom I share it.

I have a facebook account with almost no profile information in it. I just deleted my myspace account yesterday and this blog is set to not show up in searches. I write this for myself, my parents, my closest friends, and my future self and family. Now there is a girl that I am interested in and must decide if and when she is allowed to read this blog. I know that I am not ready to share yet, but where is the line?

Distracted

I am working onsite alone today and I can't seem to stay focused. I only got about four hours of sleep last night because I went out to karaoke (I sang Weird Science) and so I am dragging. The larger reason is that I have a girl on my mind. I have only met this girl twice but she is dominating my thoughts. I have a dinner date with her this Friday but I am impatient, I want more now!

It has been a long time since I have had this reaction to someone.

SoCal Sunrise

Good Olde Fun

Life has been quite interesting lately. I have moved and my life is all jumbled around. I am trying to keep the full speed awesome-train going, but it is getting tight with the slowness at work and the move. I had a blast at the Renaissance Faire and met someone intriguing.


Tomorrow is karaoke night. I am looking forward to it.


but now I must sleep

Back On Track

I dragged myself to the gym today for the first time in more than a month. A while ago I sprained my ankle badly and was unable to train properly for the kicking portion of my black belt test, and have stopped running. I finally feel that I have healed enough to return to the gym. 45 minutes of cardio and then arm and shoulder workout later and am feeling good. I have that after workout feeling now, where things feel possible and my body feels as if the cobwebs and dust have been cleaned out. The only problem is finding time to go regularly but I will not accept excused from myself any more.

Stage Ninja

I have been going around defining new depths of nerdery for my self lately and I guess it is time for a full explanation. There is an improv type show called The DungeonMaster that happens every two weeks in a tiny little theater in Hollywood. A friend of mine has invited me to go to the show with her and since she always goes fun places and does fun things, I decided to tag along. The show is two bucks cheaper if you dress up and since she was dressing up too, I dug out my SCA garb and showed up in medieval-ish clothes. When we got there they asked if we wanted to sign up to participate, and I figured that I might as well if I got all dressed up.

I wound up on stage participating in what is a fantasy roleplay type theater show where the adventuring party is chosen from the audience. The basic rundown is that we are searching for the pieces of a magical whatsit to fix the flow of magic throughout the world and we have to go through a series of scenes and solve problems and defeat opponents to get to that end. I was killed by ninjas, resurrected and then dragged to a watery death by a kraken. This character was obviously not good enough.

I went a second time and didn't sigh up to participate. I was able to enjoy a the show and watch as people stumbled around clueless and ineffective. After having a chance to watch the show without the pressure of figuring things out, I had a better picture of how to play the game, and a better idea for a character.

The third and fourth times I played a ninja. I have the whole black getup and went out and bought the toy ninja sword from the G.I. Joe movie, so that I wouldn't be weaponless like I was the first time. I have been very successful and now have a good rapport with the pirate captain who is the party's guide. In addition I have been having fun getting to know some of the cast. Very fun people (even if they are actors) and good times.

Action-Packed Radditude

I had one of the best weekends ever. Friday night was a chill meet-up at a local pool hall where I met someone new and got her number. Saturday was night out at what turned out to be a 80% asian mixer (at a Wokano... Asian fusion food haha). Sunday was some DungeonMaster fun and a neat dinner with some cast and audience afterward at a local diner. I had such a mad random fun time this weekend but now its time to head back to work.

The temptation is now to go out to the Monday night karaoke club. The girls I went to the mixer on Saturday with said they wanted to go, and some of the DungeonMaster people are regulars. It is terribly tempting to go out and have late night fun a fourth day in a row. We shall see how work looks for Tuesday, and if those girls were serious.

Minority

Today I went out on last minute notice to a mixer in Santa Monica. I was invited by one of my chinese friends because his girl and her two friends wanted to go. I got dressed appropriately, put my game-face on and went for it. When I got there our suspicions were confirmed and I was one of a minority of white people there. It was a novel situation for me. Once we were there the three girls summarily dismissed me and my friend so that guys would come over and flirt with them. I paid 9 dollars each for a pair of Jack-and-Cokes and the girls kept getting free drinks bought for them. After an awskward hour I was getting tired and hungry so my friend and I left to grab some grub elsewhere. He had forgotten his ID at home so we ended up picking a Hooters to dine at. While we were eating (we left the girls behind) I got in touch with another friend and made arrangements for him to meet us back at the mixer. The added friend was even more of a minority then me but better at the scene and after getting our fill of dancing we left at about 1:30am. On the way home we stopped at a late night cafe where once again it was 90% Chinese and the girls got their chance to eat.

I went out with new people, went to a new place, danced with strangers, and had a good time. All that fun aide, I am very tired of posturing games and dumb girls. The point of the evening seemed to be to allow the girls to get hit on and drink free drinks. It was a clear case of "I want you to want me" I don't really care for that kind of game and I don't care for dance club situations like that. I have been making an effort to broaden my horizons and this was a good step. Next time I will try to chat up more people. Maybe I will bring these girls to the karaoke club Monday.

Resume

I have come to the hard conclusion that I need to find a new job, and to that end I need to write a resume. While staring at the blank computer screen thinking of my work history I realized that my entries are limited to an associates degree and one job. I have a wide array of scattered skills and am good in a team but none of that looks good on a resume. I think that I am going to have to rely on my meager contacts and some smoke and mirrors to get my next job. I have decided that in addition to a resume I am going to write a resume-website that I can have on business cards with a better explanation of why I am awesome complete with pictures and such. I have also refined my ideas about my crafting site and want to start a YouTube channel with crafting how-tos. I bought a small video camera and have been trying to think of a good domain name and youtube user name (suggestions welcome).

I want YOU to want ME

I have been more acutely aware of my social interactions lately. The combination of my single status and my attempts to expand my social circle have made me aware of a couple of unhealthy social interactions in others and in myself.

I think that both cases result from insecurity (doesn't everything?). First is what I call "I want you to want me," this is when you attempt attract someone that you are not interested in just because you want the attention. In this case you are not actually interested in the person you are trying to attract but you attempt to attract them anyway if only to feel wanted. I am trying very hard not to do this. I haven't had a date in longer than I would prefer, and to add to that, there is nobody that I am really interested in and able to pursue (I have hopes but nothing solid). This leaves me feeling fairly alone, and I have to identify the urge to solicit interest in people that I am not a good match for and suppress it. I have seen it in others, usually manifested as flirting. It is usually harmless unless you fall for it.

The other side if this is how some people are attracted to people who damage their self esteem and keep them off balance. I have never had to deal with this. I decided a long time ago not to put up with people that treat me badly; but not everyone is as determined or well supported as me (I have an amazing family and friend network). I have seen people cling to abusive relationships because somewhere inside they have a need to gain the approval that will never come because it will never come. With this particular emotional dependency a person will be completely uninterested in people who approve of them writing off the easy approval as immaterial and gravitate towards the people who damage their self esteem out of a need to prove themselves.

I wish that I had taken some psychology classes when I had the chance. The human mind interests me a great deal.

Ground Control Again

Tonight I went to the karaoke club that my ex told me about again. She was there of course and so were about the same amount of her friends but more people that we didn't know. I had more fun this time and stayed till they started packing up. This time I sang "Nancy Boy" by Placebo. My father and brother did not want me to sing the song for obvious reasons but the fact is my performance went by with not much care or notice.

I had a bit better of a connection with the people that I knew and knew more people than before.

OK Story time

A guy got up to sing "Love Is A Battlefield" and he asked for some feminine help because he didn't have breasts to shake like in the original music video. Instead about half of the girls in the place (10 or so) took off their bras and put them on him. towards the end of the song they took them back and some of the girls decided to swing the bras over their heads while dancing to the last bit of the song. Freakin epic!

Later a particularly fun gentleman sang "Knights of Cydonia" and got about 8 people up there to be his backup air band, including one pretty girl on hands and knees as a horse and another pretty girl on her back as a rider.

I may have to do this semi-regularly

now I think I had better sleep

Helping

A friend of mine is going through a breakup and I want to help. The problem is that there is little to nothing that I can do. Well, that is not entirely accurate, there are things that I can do, things that would even seem to be helping but in the long term would end up being counterproductive. The breakup is made more problematic because of deep emotional connections that override logic. I look at the situation and see it as all black and white. With clear definition between what is good and bad, permissible and a deal-breaker. I wonder if this is me being cold and emotionless or just having the freedom of a third person perspective?

During my last breakup I sat down and laid out my reasons and that was that. I was even so calm about it that I waited a few days after making my decision because it was more convenient for me.

My head is the boss, my heart is a distrusted adviser.

Friends

It is difficult sometimes to restrain myself from writing about the current events in my life with my friends and their emotional states and our interactions. It is mostly because this friend may see the post, but it should be mostly because my friends emotional states are not mine to disclose. This does have the end effect of stopping me from posting about my state but it is right that I choose discretion.

Anonymity

I have been trying to figure out what kinds of things to write in this blog. There is the obvious question of how honest and introspective to be, and I am fairly comfortable sharing my hopes and fears here. The more subtle and more obvious question is how detailed to be in my descriptions of where I  go and who I go there with. If I say I went to Kabuki Sushi in Hollywood then anyone with any brains can look it up and find the restaurant on Vine St between Sunset and Hollywood Blvd. If I name one of my friends then someone can google the name and possibly find information on them. Its not like I am providing the information, but I am highlighting the person or place. So far I have taken care to use only vague place names and first names but even that may be too much for some people.

I used to have a livejournal.com account where I used a pseudonym and felt relatively protected by that. Now I use my name in this blog but avoid using my full name. People of my generation and younger seem to be coming to the conclusion that there is no privacy any more, but I have trouble getting behind that. There is a certain privacy to be found in anonymity but if someone is looking for me they will no doubt find me. Am I worrying too much? I am not some cute girl who would be afraid of stalkers. I am not in any way famous.

I know that a high percentage of my few readers have blogs of their own. Are you afraid for your privacy?

Sure I'll Be There!

I had a blast this weekend. Starting on Friday night had hot wings and pizza with friends. I had my first (and probably only) deep friend twinky. Then back to my place for some youtube videos and laughs. I am so glad that I am finally spending time with these four friends, the link was tenuous for a while but now I see them semi-regularly.

Saturday some other friends threw a greek movie party where we watched "Jason and the Argonauts" and "Clash of the Titans." I had a great time sipping whiskey and living it up with about ten great fun people not a downer in the bunch!

Sunday was split between sushi for lunch down in Costa Mesa with another three friends that I hadn't seen yet this weekend and a fantasy roleplay improv show in Hollywood called "The Dungeonmaster" My ninja character rules!!! I named him Kamina but nobody could remember so they just called me "That Ninja" I got my buddy to take some video of our hi-jinks I look forward to seeing what I looked like on stage.

I have a new philosophy when it comes to going out to new places and meeting new people. If at all possible I say yes and go wherever it is. This has served me well so far. I have been more places and met more fun people in the last six months than I would have expected.

Far Far Away

The whole "making new friends" plan seems to be going better now. I reached out to a friend of a friend who lives far away and have started a dialogue. It seems like we can be penpals. I had a pen-pal (oder Brieffreund. Sie wohnt auf Deutschland)  once before and I really failed at it because I couldn't write in German and even though her English was better than my German, I didn't have anything to say. I am now less boring and less shy, and we can converse in our common native English so I have high hopes.

It is kind of amazing how such a small thing as exchanging emails with someone new can buoy my spirits. I was feeling down and isolated and now with someone new to get to know and to explain myself to, I feel like there is more out there, more fun people to meet.

Of course now that I have mentioned this, the whole thing is jinxed and doomed to failure.

Escape

I have this growing flight reaction growing somewhere inside. It is this cagey nervous feeling that urges me to flee. I think I need to get away for a while, somewhere far. I am thinking Florida or Washington where I have family.

Ground Control

There is a Monday night karaoke club called Ground Control in Los Angeles. It kicks off at about 9:00- 10:00 and ends at around 2:00am. I have never been the karaoke type but I figured that I would give it a shot. The strangest part of the story is that I was invited out by Sarah. I would like to be able to be friends with Sarah and a few of her friends so I made the ill advised decision to go out on the worknight despite the fact that I had things to do the following day. I had fun there, I saw a couple of people that I really wanted to see and expanded my horizons. I sang the song Engel by Rammstein and will probably go again sometime.

That being said, I also felt fairly uncomfortable most of the time I was there. I don't know if I am just being insecure or what but I felt like I was imposing while I was there. because everyone that I knew there I knew through Sarah, and everyone I met there already knew Sarah, I felt like I was an invader, or a tolerated imposition. Was it all in my head? did I create the feeling for myself? was it actually a true read on the situation? The most telling reaction I got was from someone that I actually was forming an independent friendship with, she said "what are you doing here!" when I surprised her. Was that an honest reaction? did she mean what I fear she meant, that I didn't belong there?

In addition to the weirdness I felt for being around all my ex's friends, I could not help but feel that loneliness that I had been feeling growing inside of me reach a sharper point than ever before. Seeing all these people, some of which I found attractive, carrying about and having fun, while I sat back trying to figure out where my barrier was. Was I being polite in not flirting with Sarah's friends? was I too chicken to talk to these girls? No, it is really not any of those things. None of them interested me in any permanent way. Some immature, some too young, some taken, some close friends of my ex. There was really nobody there for me, but that is the problem isn't it. There is nobody anywhere that I know of that is the right one for me. I have nobody that I am even really interested in. It is like a mystery with no clues, and no way of solving it.

Today I was kind of a zombie. I slept in later than I expected because I was out so late. I had nothing but a nutrition bar and a bottle of water for breakfast and skipped lunch. I did my work alone with the thoughts above pounding in my head whenever I would stop to think about anything. After work I stopped by my mother's place to grab a quick nap before HapKiDo and wound up missing class. I had dinner when I woke up at 7:00pm and watched the movie I, Robot with my aunt.

Now I had better get some sleep as I have to go to work fairly early tomorrow.

Who Am I?

I spoke to my ex yesterday and came to a realization. I am farther along in the process of reconciling my feelings than she is. I have a clear view in my head of who she is and what she meant and means to me. The realization that I came to is about why she is less clear about things then I am.

I know Sarah very well, we dated for seven and a half years during which I got to know the super-fun person that she is. I realize now that I became a different person around her. I was more gentile and more accommodating to her than I would be to any of my friends. I think that this is a fitting thing to do for one's significant other, but it probably lead to an inaccurate view of me as a person. Now that we are in the process of becoming friends (we were never just friends before) She is seeing a different side of me. The real me.

I wonder how badly I have misrepresented myself? Was it the wrong thing to do? Or does everyone do this for (to?) their loved ones?

Depth

I just came to a shitty realization. There is no future for me in video editing. The place I was thinking of taking my career will inevitably outgrow me. I do not see in 3D, ever since birth my eyes have not worked together to create a 3D image of the world. I only catch glimpses every now and again of depth, and as video moves to the third dimension any learning I will have in editing will be for nothing. I will be like a colorblind person in the world of color movies.

Sunday Night

It seems like this happens every week. Sunday comes to a close but Monday hasn't yet begun. I sit here in my apartment in between, knowing that the weekend is over and sort of unwilling to let the last bit of it slip away. I have to be in Burbank tomorrow morning at 8:00am but I can't rest. Instead I am up watching Elizabethtown again and blogging

What is it about an incoming week that keeps me awake?

Elizabethtown

I am sitting in my apartment watching Elizabethtown. I haven't seen this movie in what... Years? I first saw this with my then-girlfriend Sarah. I really like this movie. It strikes a cord with me like few other movies have. When I first watched it, every scene with the male and female leads made Sarah and me squeeze closer together. It seemed to fit us, the fun outgoing and impulsive girl and the more straight laced stable guy following her lead and learning to be more fun. It wasn't actually a good representation but we both liked to see it that way and so we did.

Watching this movie again, I keep remembering the way it felt to be with her, the bad parts are worn away by time leaving the shining gold of everything that was good between us. It is sometimes hard to see her or to think of her and remember that we do not belong together. Elizabethtown, Amelie, and Garden State, are movies that will always remind me of her, and what a great girl she is. Seeing her in her social scene where she shines is at the same time difficult and reassuring. (I would never see her in my social scenes)

I am afraid that this admission will cause everyone who reads this to think that I am not over her. There is nothing I can say about this. Nobody is really capable of telling exactly when they are over another person. All that I can say is that I would not have made the decision if I wasn't sure, and that I am ready to move on.

I was talking to one of my closest female friends about movies and happened to mention something about the character or the movie or something and we got to talking about character archetypes and she brought up what is called the "Manic-Pixie-Dreamgirl" and how ridiculous this troupe is. I don't know if she was right or not. I had a Manic-Pixie-Dreamgirl and although it didn't work out I am still looking for someone like that. I fall in love with Clare a little when I watch Elizabethtown. I see that kind of fun spirit and want that in my life.

I suppose that the question is whether that really exists or not, and secondarily whether someone like that is compatible with me. I am fairly sure that girls like this exist; my ex and a boatload of her friends are examples of this. The real problem is whether I can ever sustain a relationship with someone like this. Recent events seem to cast doubt on that. Am I too boring? Doubtful. Have I just not found her yet? Did I find her and so find the failure that must be the ultimate result?

I hope

Theatre geeks

It has been a fun weekend.

Saturday was relaxed and easygoing day, I had lunch with my brother and then we went to a friend's place to watch Evil Dead and Army of Darkness. After the movies we headed back to my brother's place where his already buzzed roommate said to me "so... Rocky?" I didn't need to be asked twice, so I grabbed him and my brother up and at 11:30pm we sped off to the Los Angeles Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Nuart theater. I had been 18 times before but I am more than willing to go again if someone new wants to go, and so there we met up with my ex-girlfriend and some of the friends I had made there. It was fun to see some of those people again and to be welcomed amongst people that I was afraid that I would not be able to be friends with after the breakup.

The next day we went to an improv theater show called The Dungeon Master. It is a sort of role playing sketch show improvisational thing. It was my second time going, but the last time I participated and I couldn't enjoy it as much as I did as purely an audience member. There is a discount for dressing up and both times I went in garb. the first time I was wearing my generic medieval stuff and this time I wore by brother's Ottoman style garb. Next time I am going to go full ninja. I already told one of the organizers that I will be there so I have to follow through. The head writer said that he was going to keep me in mind when writing the next episode. Also, his character is a pirate captain and we are going to play up the pirate-ninja rivalry. My brother already said that he was going to come out for the next one, and I hope to have a few more friends out. It promises to be great.

Why I Do This

I have been blogging here for a few years now and I suppose that it is about time to reexamine my motivations. Initially I was going to post mostly pictures here, because I had a few that I wanted to share in a more deliberate paced format than you get out of flicker. I also figured I was going to want to write something every now and again. After a while I started posting my workouts so I could keep track of them but I was never very consistent so it became a bad record. Now I use this blog to talk about the things that matter to me, and to keep my parents and friends in the loop about my goings on.

Thats right, I just said that my parents read this blog. "But you wrote about strippers in this blog," you say. I am one of the fortunate few people that has a good and open relationship with both of my parents. They know me for who I am and love the man I have become. I am so very grateful (love you Mom and Dad) for that connection.

I also use this blog for introspection and future reference. I want to be able to look back years from now and see what I was thinking at these points in my life. As I attempt to carve and shape myself into the man I want to be, I want to record it for future review. I also want the potential of sharing these thoughts with my children one day. That kind of live record of my life and thoughts may be interesting to the future me and possibly my future family. To that end I am attempting to be as honest as possible.

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At HapKiDo last night my injured ankle gave out under me while I was trying to execute a defense against punch technique. I am to do a foot-block at head height, step down and jump into a 180 spin-kick followed by a 180 low spin-kick. During the jump-180-spin, my left ankle gave out and I fell to the mat. This is not good. My Black Belt test is at the end of April. I hope I am healed up by then.

Monterey at night

2am walking back from the pub.

Imposter

This weekend I feel like I have slipped into another person's life, or perhaps several other people. On friday I drove up to Monterey, CA in my mothers car, which is much newer and nicer than mine. I have been staying in an apartment belonging to a friend who is out of town for the weekend, I am attending a wedding where I know about 10% of the people, and I am dressed in formal clothes that my brother bought for me one christmas because I didn't have any.

Strange town, strange car, strange people, strange home.

By the Bay

I am in Monterey for a wedding this weekend. I got into town at night and so far have only been to the apartment where I am crashing and a pub where a pre-wedding get together was held but already I love this place. To get to the pub I walked along a paved public path that goes from two blocks from the apartment right to the pub about a half a mile away. I could hear the waves lapping against the shore and the occasional cry of a seagull or bark of a sealion. The breeze coming off the ocean is chilly but invigorating. On my way back from the pub I had to stop and sit on the stairs leading to San Carlos Beach and just watch as the little white waves broke against the shore from a black ocean underneath a black sky. There are the lights from across the bay and the quiet sounds of 1am. It is amazing here. I am a little afraid that the morning will dispel this beautiful illusion but there is no helping that.

I already want to stay and I have only been here for 4 hours. I really owe Crystal for letting me use her couch while she is out of town.

Las Vegas Strippers

It has taken me a while to get around to writing this entry because of the difficulty of the topic. I went to Las Vegas for a bachelor party and one of the places we went was a strip club. I learned a few things about myself, my friends, and strippers while I was there. The problem comes where I have to write this up and not sound like a jackass. So as a warning here, full disclosure: I am a man, and I am attracted to women.

The night started out at the Hoffbraeuhaus, where they sell beer by the liter (or half liter but that's for wimps). I had two of these colossal beers, a very large pretzel, and some hearty German wurst. There was a woman going around selling Jagermeister shots and spankings but I declined as I am not interested in either. One of our number bought not one but two shots with the wooden paddle chaser and all. After dinner we all piled into what amounts to a very short bus and headed over to the Spearment Rhino.

The strip club was not what I really expected it to be, it was much better. After an offensive cover charge we headed in to see some girls. The place was dark and padded, comfortable places to sit everywhere, had a main stage with a stripper pole and numerous other smaller stages elevated with girls dancing in view. When we got there there was a nearly one to one ration of patrons to strippers and by the time we left it had only dropped to about two to one. The girls that were not dancing on one of the stages were mingling with the patrons and offering lapdances or private dances. Our group headed over to a semi-separate area away from the main stage but in between two smaller stages (a raised circle about 4 feet above the floor with a railing around it), and started gathering the money together for bottle service. I being entirely new at this had no idea what that was but when I heard that they wanted $100 from each of us on top of the $50 that we had paid just to come inside I was less than thrilled. At my protest the idea got dropped (I must not have been the only cheapskate) and we sort of dispersed throughout the club with a small subset of us of rotating membership hanging out around the bar.

While we were sitting down I noticed that there were already strippers in the area chilling out, when I sat down one of them came to sit next to me. She was tall slim and dark skinned. I think she called herself Aria, and was wearing what amounts to teal underwear and very pointy heels. I decided to play this one straight and told her immediately that this was my first time at a strip club and I needed someone to let me know how things worked and what was protocol. She was fine with that and proceeded to be very helpful. When I got up to figure out the bottle service thing she followed me and put her arm around me. I took this as a cue and put my arm around her. She was very slim and tall, with the heels she was a couple of inches taller than me and walked with a very alluring grace despite the handicap of five inch heels. When the group fell apart we went over to the bar and as I was already satisfactorily buzzed I gave one of my two "free with cover" drinks to Aria and kept the other. She ever so gently convinced me to find a seat with her over closer to the main stage and so I followed her. We didn't have much room where we found any so she sat on my lap.

At this point let me mention how nice it was to have a beautiful woman in my arms again after four months without. She was warm and soft, a comfortable weight leaning against me, not enough to crush but enough to feel her body against mine. She smelled of makeup and mild soap, and all of my senses were focused on her. I have no illusions that she is a professional and good at her job. I know that she was entertaining me for money and that her goal was to seduce as much out of me as she could but underneath that on more basic level it was nice to have a pretty girl sitting on my lap, looking into my eyes and smiling.

I asked my stupid newbie questions and she answered them, I talked with her for a while and became fairly comfortable with her. I got a lapdance because I had wasted enough of her time unpaid and because it was the thing to do and because... well... hot girl! The lapdance was more enjoyable than I had expected. I don't know how strip clubs work in California but apparently you have to sit on your hands but not so in Las Vegas I was allowed to touch but not to grope or get aggressive. I was not in any dire need to push limits so I kept my hands limited to her hips and waist but this was still quite an experience. Without going into the gory details, a lapdance lasts for one song and the stripper removes her top and the small panties she is wearing over a smaller thong and wiggles around in a pleasing manner in close proximity. I hadn't expected to enjoy the dance as much as I did. It was a full sensory experience of scent touch and sight.

After the lapdance she sat back down on my lap and we talked for a little while more. I mentioned that I was thankful that she was being so patient with me and mentioned that strip clubs are not my scene and that I had been uncomfortable in the dance clubs that we had been to. She said that she was also not much of a dance club person either I am still not sure how much of that is bullshit. She tried to convince me to go for a private dance and got closer and more difficult to resist. Through my drink addled brain, I managed to hold on to my senses and declined. It also helped that the bachelor's younger brother dropped by to see if I was doing ok, and gave me an anchor with which to tear my mind from Aria. It was not an easy decision, but I am not going to pay $100 to see what is under the last piece of clothing and to possibly grope strange boob.I did however feel like I had taken enough of her time and so after a little while I got another lapdance and made good my escape. The second lapdance was a bit closer than the first one and I was quite overcome. I said my thank yous, paid her and made my escape.

I headed back to the bar to see who was there and found the same guy from the shot-spank deal earlier. He seemed to be having trouble paying for his bar tab this guy was wasted and staring droopy-eyed and helpless (probably from more than drink) so I covered his $40 and bought myself another drink on top of it. I talked to some of our group and spotted who I thought was the most beautiful girl there. To clarify I was at one of the best strip clubs in Las Vegas on a Saturday night (technically Sunday morning Valentines day) and despite (because of?) the dim light and pleasant buzz these were some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Knowing that I was surrounded by a dizzying array of gorgeous women in skimpy underwear, this was the one I thought was the most beautiful. I saw her dancing on one of the smaller stages and remarked about her to one of my friends. He said, "oh yeah Minnesota (she was thinking of calling herself Avenue, and her real name was something with an A. Amanda maybe) , She is new here, first week or two from Minnesota." I reattached my jaw and stumbled away to go see how the bachelor and his younger brother were doing. They were fine and by the time I got back to the bar a couple of friends were talking to Minnesota. I came over and couldn't resist a lap dance so in the only part of the night I regret I hit the ATM for a recharge.

Well she may have been ungodly beautiful but that girl could not lapdance worth a damn. After a fairly disappointing wiggle I paid her and It was about time to go. We grouped up, got back in our short bus and headed out to a club called Ghost Bar in the Palms.

I have written all of this to give context to the two main thoughts that came out of that night.

The first thing I realized is the full understanding that these places exist. That there are places in this world where dozens of gorgeous women are. At the moment that I write this there are various iterations of this place all over the world and that some are stocked with the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I am not sure what that means, but knowing that in my head is strange.

The second thing that has shaken my head about is what Aria said about not liking clubs. I understand that it may have been bullshit in this instance, that she may have been mirroring me in an attempt to be more attractive. I choose to believe that even if she was lying, some would not be. The kind of dance club confidence that don't yet posses is not something universal that I am alone in lacking. There are many people across many social scenes and levels of attractiveness that are just as uncomfortable in the pounding darkness of a dance club as I, and that perhaps we just need to figure that out and leave to somewhere more sane.

I had fun at a strip club yes but it is still not something I need to do with any regularity. I have no problem going again (provided I have some cash to waste) or never going again.

Crushed

It has been a while. I broke up with Sarah at the end of October and that means it has been almost 5 months single. I am still in that place where I don't want a long term relationship. I feel selfish with my time and my space but I also feel lonely and untouched. I don't have anyone that I am actively interested in at the moment so I have nobody to focus my attention on.

There is a desire growing inside me that I haven't felt in a long time. I have a few friends that I find attractive for different reasons and incompatible for even larger and different-er reasons, and I find myself wanting to make physical contact. Nothing more than sitting shoulder to shoulder or making some other kind of skin-on-skin contact. It is a kind of closeness that I really miss. The thing is that I know that these girls are not right for me and I am not right for any of them but that small amount of attraction leads me to desire contact. My hand touching hers or perhaps my fingers running through her hair. A small token of affection. A small sign of togetherness.

I am not yet so desperate that I am getting all awkward and flirting with girls that are my friends but I can feel it at the back of my head. I understand now how some people can make the mistake of making unwanted personal contact. I feel it there inside of me, the desire to hold someone close, and the void inside my heart where a girlfriend goes.

I'm not even sure what I want.

Movement

I am going to be  moving. I am very happy living alone, but there are some advantages possible by leveraging two or three peoples rent money. I have been looking into three bedroom houses with my brother and a friend of ours. We have been looking primarily in Pasadena, and are ready to submit applications.

I am a little anxious to be living with people again. I have been living alone for more than two years now and I appreciate the privacy. I know that living with my brother will be fine, but our friend is another matter. I met her years ago and am now starting to actually get to know her. So far we get along well but we shall see.

Huge Weekend

This past weekend was filled to the brim with friends and family. Lets take it one day at a time.

I took Friday off of work and spent all of that morning catching up on my sleep. In the afternoon my friend Peggy came up from the OC and we made our plans for a fun night out. Unfortunately one by one our friends all decided they had better things to do that night and we lost our group. Undaunted, we headed out anyway for old town Pasadena funtimes! We hit a few places, caught some beers and took in some live bands. All in all it was good stuff.

I got a little sleep that night and on Saturday morning I headed over to my HapKiDo studio for my brother's Black Belt test

Thirsday outings

I went out tonight with a few friends to an art exhibit in Beverly Hills. It was put together by an old classmate of mine, who I never really connected with in high school. It was an interesting experience seeing a few of the people that I knew (if only peripherally) in a different setting 10 years separated from graduation. I am such a different person than I was when I met these people that its almost like meeting them for the first time.

I went with one of my close friends that I met in high school, we picked up some more friends and went to what wound up being an underground restaurant or something that had been rearranged to display art and allow for dancing and drinking. After a couple of hours he and the group of people that I arrived with left to go to a hip-hop club. I don't know the people they were going to meet and I am not really comfortable in clubs (and I would imagine less so in a hip-hp club) so I opted to stick around and catch a ride with some other friends. As it turns out the other friends were ready to go almost immediately and so I was done for the evening. A punk-looking band was just starting to play and I was catching a good vibe from a short girl in a red dress when we left. I caught a ride home feeling like I spent more time getting ready and getting there then I did actually being there.

I really regret not driving myself. Even if that left me knowing only three people there, I feel like I wasn't done. I wasn't invited and didn't know about the event until today but I still feel like I had more to do there.


Tomorrow night will be better.

Wing Chung

Tonight I had my first lesson in Wing Chung. Normally I study HapKiDo which is a Korean art, but after class I was able to get in a Wing Chung lesson with the visiting instructor. He is learning how to run a school from us, and while he is here he is teaching some of us his art.

The primary differences so far are that Hapkido is a soft style that emphasizes throwing and twisting, while Wing Chung is a hard style with lots of striking. In addition to the style differences the teaching is much different. Master Connard is a 7th degree black belt, who owns the HapKiDo studio, and Sifu Lopez is, I believe, a fifth degree black belt in Wing Chung. Master Connard has been forced to streamline the techniques for broader appeal and student safety. If I were to throw someone wrong or if they were to fall wrong they would be seriously injured. So far the blocks that I am learning from Sifu Lopez are harder on the wrists and arms but the "dumps" as he calls the throws are not as brutal. This is may be because of my limited knowledge. It should be an experience to learn a new style that is so different from the one I know.

Las Vegas Friends

A couple of years ago I would not have called myself a person who makes friends swiftly. I had a high bar for the title of friend, and a relatively closed circle of friends. Some of us seemed of the opinion that we had several very good friends and that was enough. In more recent times, thanks to my ex-girlfriend, and some of the friends-of-friends that I have grown close to, I have changed my mind to think that one can never have too many friends. I think I have even made one of my friends uncomfortable with how fast I insinuated myself into his circle of friends.

Even with this new attitude, I am still not that much of an outgoing person. I am not the kind of person who strikes up random conversations with strangers. It seems that everyone I know I met through someone. This is a very limiting behavior, and now I recognize it for what it is. While I was in Las Vegas I was thrown in with two distinct groups of people: the bachelor's work friends (to which I technically belonged) and the bachelor's personal friends. I knew about half of the people there but only by name. The bachelor and his younger brother were the only ones I was actually familiar with.

While at the Hoffbreauhaus, I was seated across from one of the people I didn't know. I talked to him for a bit, and when I mentioned that I was thinking of visiting San Fransisco after the wedding, but didn't know anyone up there, he gave me his card and told me to look him up. Now I know what you are thinking here. Some Guy from San Fransisco? wants to hang out? This dude is gay! Well despite the fact that he is a makeup artist, and was very well dressed, I am pretty sure he is not after my ass. Some of the conversation we had was about his recent breakup with his ex-girlfriend.

It was very neat to meet people and get such a positive reaction. I was not one of the awkward people there. I had no trouble talking to anyone, and I made a contact that can show me around a city that I would very much like to explore.

I also visited another friend who lives in Las Vegas and got along very well with him and two of his friends that were there. If I had had more time, I would have loved to go check out the band one of his friends was in and hang out more. Perhaps next time.

I took myself out of my normal circle and made friends and had good times. I feel more confident than I ever have before. This was a good trip.

Las Vegas Clubs

This past weekend was huge. I learned quite a bit about myself and about my perceptions of other people. I will be mulling over the situations that I got into for a good long time.

I attended a friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas. Knowing what happens at stereotypical bachelor parties and knowing that people go to Las Vegas to cut loose, I was somewhat hesitant to go. I am for the most part fairly shy. (Some of my friends would smirk at that statement but it is true.) In addition to that shyness (or perhaps because of it) I am uncomfortable at clubs, don't drink a lot, and don't know how to meet people without being introduced. This could have lead me to decline the trip, but I couldn't say no to what may be the only Las Vegas Bachelor Party I ever go to. I hit the store for some sharper clothes, and psyched myself up for what I feared could end with me walking the strip alone because I couldn't handle the party.

At this point I should clarify the crazyness level of the party. Most of us (myself included) got drunk, some of us (myself excluded) enjoyed substances of questionable legality. There were strippers but that was at a strip-club and to my knowledge there were no hookers.

Now back to talking about me. I only expected to know a minority of the people on the trip. I open up and am more comfortable when I know people, but before I do, I tend to be quiet and contemplative. That is not the attitude to take to Vegas so I did what I could to be more social and outgoing. It also helped that I knew more people than I expected if only by name.

The bar thing was ok, but we quickly got past that to clubs. I went with them to one club each night. I think this weekend doubles the number of clubs I have been to. A few things lead me to an increased understanding and comfort with the situation. First was the increased amount of drink I had by the second club, Second was the stripper I talked to before the second club, third was my observations of my fellow partiers at the first club. The first club that we went to was under Bill's Gamblin' Hall (formerly Barbary Coast) at a place called Drai's. I expected to be the awkward one sitting at a table nursing a drink, but there were to many people from my group already doing that. However, I was not confident enough to go out dancing, so there I stood in a kind of limbo in between the two states of lurk and dance.

By the second club, I had drunk in order: a shot of whiskey, 2 liters of dark beer, a white Russian, and two Jack and cokes. This combined with my abject refusal to be a wallflower for another day made me want to dance. I just couldn't find the proper approach vector to get in. I did give it a shot with a couple of girls dancing alone but one started getting text messages from another of their friends and they got all distracted. This put me solidly in the lead for the night with interactions with women (if you don't count the strippers). A bit later I talked to a random couple sitting near me and asked point blank what the approach protocol is in dancing with people. They said that it is just confidence and a direct approach. I am going to have to work on that but, once I went back out, there didn't seem to be any girls without guys around, and we were ready to move on anyway. I was all done spending money for the night so I went home at a respectable 4:00am and they continued back to Drai's, the club we had been at the night before. I learned some lessons about interactions and expectations this trip and I think that I am more prepared for these things. I am actually looking forward to going out again in the future.

There is more but that's enough for tonight.

Beatings, Bars and Balls

Friday was ok. I left work early (a regular occurrence with such slow work) and headed over to help my brother train for his Black Belt test. This means that we go over the techniques and he throws me on the ground a lot. He has it down and most of the focus is me learning how to fall without hurting myself. I mostly failed at falling and got a bruised elbow and sprained ankle for my troubles. Watched "District 9" with some friends. That movie is very brutal. The view of humanity lacking empathy and care for any group that can be portrayed as an outsider is harsh, and I hope overstated.

Saturday was lunch with family. I hadn't had sushi since I broke up with the ex and that was good. That night I went out with some friends. We hit the Yardhouse where our hot little friend Jess offered to be a great wingman (wingbabe?) and come out drinking and such with us, but after half a sandwich she started feeling sick and had to be taken home. This cut our crew in half but undaunted we charged on to the heart of old town Pasadena. The trouble is that I am very uncomfortable with the whole "bar scene" and had difficulty adjusting. We went first to a bar whose name I don't remember and Brook was digging the sound and there was a live DJ and an artist working on a painting. Not to mention some very attractive ladies. We left for no good reason and headed over to Q's poolhall where we took in a drink and had a conversation about the whole interaction that we were watching but not participating in. It is a game or perhaps a hunt. And neither he nor I is particularly skilled at making the point or bagging the kill. After a little while we headed home no worse for the wear and contemplative of how to make the situation work better next time.

Sunday was as everyone knows THE SUPERBOWL. I really don't give a care about sports. So the game was a chance to hang out with friends, drink some beers and watch large men crash into each other on TV. I had a small bet with the same girl that left early on Saturday for a dinner. I was pro saints and she was pro colts and the loser would cook the winner dinner. Despite the fact that I won the bet, I am not going to collect. It would involve going out to her place on the westside and hanging with her roommates and I am just not interested in that situation. Also my friend is interested in her so I am just not going to get into that situation. She left in beginning of the fourth and this leaving early thing is starting to be a pattern.

That is all there is to report for this weekend. I would call it a solid Good. Next weekend is Las Vegas so we shall see what that brings.

Writing

I have a story that I think I am going to write. The problem is that I don't know how to write. Well clearly I can write in blog or essay form but I'm talking dialogue here. I have only ever written three short stories and one of them was stream-of-consciousness type cheating. I am going to have to start small. Some very short prose probably posted here to warm me up. Lets see how I do.