Back On Track

I dragged myself to the gym today for the first time in more than a month. A while ago I sprained my ankle badly and was unable to train properly for the kicking portion of my black belt test, and have stopped running. I finally feel that I have healed enough to return to the gym. 45 minutes of cardio and then arm and shoulder workout later and am feeling good. I have that after workout feeling now, where things feel possible and my body feels as if the cobwebs and dust have been cleaned out. The only problem is finding time to go regularly but I will not accept excused from myself any more.

Stage Ninja

I have been going around defining new depths of nerdery for my self lately and I guess it is time for a full explanation. There is an improv type show called The DungeonMaster that happens every two weeks in a tiny little theater in Hollywood. A friend of mine has invited me to go to the show with her and since she always goes fun places and does fun things, I decided to tag along. The show is two bucks cheaper if you dress up and since she was dressing up too, I dug out my SCA garb and showed up in medieval-ish clothes. When we got there they asked if we wanted to sign up to participate, and I figured that I might as well if I got all dressed up.

I wound up on stage participating in what is a fantasy roleplay type theater show where the adventuring party is chosen from the audience. The basic rundown is that we are searching for the pieces of a magical whatsit to fix the flow of magic throughout the world and we have to go through a series of scenes and solve problems and defeat opponents to get to that end. I was killed by ninjas, resurrected and then dragged to a watery death by a kraken. This character was obviously not good enough.

I went a second time and didn't sigh up to participate. I was able to enjoy a the show and watch as people stumbled around clueless and ineffective. After having a chance to watch the show without the pressure of figuring things out, I had a better picture of how to play the game, and a better idea for a character.

The third and fourth times I played a ninja. I have the whole black getup and went out and bought the toy ninja sword from the G.I. Joe movie, so that I wouldn't be weaponless like I was the first time. I have been very successful and now have a good rapport with the pirate captain who is the party's guide. In addition I have been having fun getting to know some of the cast. Very fun people (even if they are actors) and good times.

Action-Packed Radditude

I had one of the best weekends ever. Friday night was a chill meet-up at a local pool hall where I met someone new and got her number. Saturday was night out at what turned out to be a 80% asian mixer (at a Wokano... Asian fusion food haha). Sunday was some DungeonMaster fun and a neat dinner with some cast and audience afterward at a local diner. I had such a mad random fun time this weekend but now its time to head back to work.

The temptation is now to go out to the Monday night karaoke club. The girls I went to the mixer on Saturday with said they wanted to go, and some of the DungeonMaster people are regulars. It is terribly tempting to go out and have late night fun a fourth day in a row. We shall see how work looks for Tuesday, and if those girls were serious.

Minority

Today I went out on last minute notice to a mixer in Santa Monica. I was invited by one of my chinese friends because his girl and her two friends wanted to go. I got dressed appropriately, put my game-face on and went for it. When I got there our suspicions were confirmed and I was one of a minority of white people there. It was a novel situation for me. Once we were there the three girls summarily dismissed me and my friend so that guys would come over and flirt with them. I paid 9 dollars each for a pair of Jack-and-Cokes and the girls kept getting free drinks bought for them. After an awskward hour I was getting tired and hungry so my friend and I left to grab some grub elsewhere. He had forgotten his ID at home so we ended up picking a Hooters to dine at. While we were eating (we left the girls behind) I got in touch with another friend and made arrangements for him to meet us back at the mixer. The added friend was even more of a minority then me but better at the scene and after getting our fill of dancing we left at about 1:30am. On the way home we stopped at a late night cafe where once again it was 90% Chinese and the girls got their chance to eat.

I went out with new people, went to a new place, danced with strangers, and had a good time. All that fun aide, I am very tired of posturing games and dumb girls. The point of the evening seemed to be to allow the girls to get hit on and drink free drinks. It was a clear case of "I want you to want me" I don't really care for that kind of game and I don't care for dance club situations like that. I have been making an effort to broaden my horizons and this was a good step. Next time I will try to chat up more people. Maybe I will bring these girls to the karaoke club Monday.

Resume

I have come to the hard conclusion that I need to find a new job, and to that end I need to write a resume. While staring at the blank computer screen thinking of my work history I realized that my entries are limited to an associates degree and one job. I have a wide array of scattered skills and am good in a team but none of that looks good on a resume. I think that I am going to have to rely on my meager contacts and some smoke and mirrors to get my next job. I have decided that in addition to a resume I am going to write a resume-website that I can have on business cards with a better explanation of why I am awesome complete with pictures and such. I have also refined my ideas about my crafting site and want to start a YouTube channel with crafting how-tos. I bought a small video camera and have been trying to think of a good domain name and youtube user name (suggestions welcome).

I want YOU to want ME

I have been more acutely aware of my social interactions lately. The combination of my single status and my attempts to expand my social circle have made me aware of a couple of unhealthy social interactions in others and in myself.

I think that both cases result from insecurity (doesn't everything?). First is what I call "I want you to want me," this is when you attempt attract someone that you are not interested in just because you want the attention. In this case you are not actually interested in the person you are trying to attract but you attempt to attract them anyway if only to feel wanted. I am trying very hard not to do this. I haven't had a date in longer than I would prefer, and to add to that, there is nobody that I am really interested in and able to pursue (I have hopes but nothing solid). This leaves me feeling fairly alone, and I have to identify the urge to solicit interest in people that I am not a good match for and suppress it. I have seen it in others, usually manifested as flirting. It is usually harmless unless you fall for it.

The other side if this is how some people are attracted to people who damage their self esteem and keep them off balance. I have never had to deal with this. I decided a long time ago not to put up with people that treat me badly; but not everyone is as determined or well supported as me (I have an amazing family and friend network). I have seen people cling to abusive relationships because somewhere inside they have a need to gain the approval that will never come because it will never come. With this particular emotional dependency a person will be completely uninterested in people who approve of them writing off the easy approval as immaterial and gravitate towards the people who damage their self esteem out of a need to prove themselves.

I wish that I had taken some psychology classes when I had the chance. The human mind interests me a great deal.

Ground Control Again

Tonight I went to the karaoke club that my ex told me about again. She was there of course and so were about the same amount of her friends but more people that we didn't know. I had more fun this time and stayed till they started packing up. This time I sang "Nancy Boy" by Placebo. My father and brother did not want me to sing the song for obvious reasons but the fact is my performance went by with not much care or notice.

I had a bit better of a connection with the people that I knew and knew more people than before.

OK Story time

A guy got up to sing "Love Is A Battlefield" and he asked for some feminine help because he didn't have breasts to shake like in the original music video. Instead about half of the girls in the place (10 or so) took off their bras and put them on him. towards the end of the song they took them back and some of the girls decided to swing the bras over their heads while dancing to the last bit of the song. Freakin epic!

Later a particularly fun gentleman sang "Knights of Cydonia" and got about 8 people up there to be his backup air band, including one pretty girl on hands and knees as a horse and another pretty girl on her back as a rider.

I may have to do this semi-regularly

now I think I had better sleep

Helping

A friend of mine is going through a breakup and I want to help. The problem is that there is little to nothing that I can do. Well, that is not entirely accurate, there are things that I can do, things that would even seem to be helping but in the long term would end up being counterproductive. The breakup is made more problematic because of deep emotional connections that override logic. I look at the situation and see it as all black and white. With clear definition between what is good and bad, permissible and a deal-breaker. I wonder if this is me being cold and emotionless or just having the freedom of a third person perspective?

During my last breakup I sat down and laid out my reasons and that was that. I was even so calm about it that I waited a few days after making my decision because it was more convenient for me.

My head is the boss, my heart is a distrusted adviser.

Friends

It is difficult sometimes to restrain myself from writing about the current events in my life with my friends and their emotional states and our interactions. It is mostly because this friend may see the post, but it should be mostly because my friends emotional states are not mine to disclose. This does have the end effect of stopping me from posting about my state but it is right that I choose discretion.

Anonymity

I have been trying to figure out what kinds of things to write in this blog. There is the obvious question of how honest and introspective to be, and I am fairly comfortable sharing my hopes and fears here. The more subtle and more obvious question is how detailed to be in my descriptions of where I  go and who I go there with. If I say I went to Kabuki Sushi in Hollywood then anyone with any brains can look it up and find the restaurant on Vine St between Sunset and Hollywood Blvd. If I name one of my friends then someone can google the name and possibly find information on them. Its not like I am providing the information, but I am highlighting the person or place. So far I have taken care to use only vague place names and first names but even that may be too much for some people.

I used to have a livejournal.com account where I used a pseudonym and felt relatively protected by that. Now I use my name in this blog but avoid using my full name. People of my generation and younger seem to be coming to the conclusion that there is no privacy any more, but I have trouble getting behind that. There is a certain privacy to be found in anonymity but if someone is looking for me they will no doubt find me. Am I worrying too much? I am not some cute girl who would be afraid of stalkers. I am not in any way famous.

I know that a high percentage of my few readers have blogs of their own. Are you afraid for your privacy?

Sure I'll Be There!

I had a blast this weekend. Starting on Friday night had hot wings and pizza with friends. I had my first (and probably only) deep friend twinky. Then back to my place for some youtube videos and laughs. I am so glad that I am finally spending time with these four friends, the link was tenuous for a while but now I see them semi-regularly.

Saturday some other friends threw a greek movie party where we watched "Jason and the Argonauts" and "Clash of the Titans." I had a great time sipping whiskey and living it up with about ten great fun people not a downer in the bunch!

Sunday was split between sushi for lunch down in Costa Mesa with another three friends that I hadn't seen yet this weekend and a fantasy roleplay improv show in Hollywood called "The Dungeonmaster" My ninja character rules!!! I named him Kamina but nobody could remember so they just called me "That Ninja" I got my buddy to take some video of our hi-jinks I look forward to seeing what I looked like on stage.

I have a new philosophy when it comes to going out to new places and meeting new people. If at all possible I say yes and go wherever it is. This has served me well so far. I have been more places and met more fun people in the last six months than I would have expected.

Far Far Away

The whole "making new friends" plan seems to be going better now. I reached out to a friend of a friend who lives far away and have started a dialogue. It seems like we can be penpals. I had a pen-pal (oder Brieffreund. Sie wohnt auf Deutschland)  once before and I really failed at it because I couldn't write in German and even though her English was better than my German, I didn't have anything to say. I am now less boring and less shy, and we can converse in our common native English so I have high hopes.

It is kind of amazing how such a small thing as exchanging emails with someone new can buoy my spirits. I was feeling down and isolated and now with someone new to get to know and to explain myself to, I feel like there is more out there, more fun people to meet.

Of course now that I have mentioned this, the whole thing is jinxed and doomed to failure.

Escape

I have this growing flight reaction growing somewhere inside. It is this cagey nervous feeling that urges me to flee. I think I need to get away for a while, somewhere far. I am thinking Florida or Washington where I have family.

Ground Control

There is a Monday night karaoke club called Ground Control in Los Angeles. It kicks off at about 9:00- 10:00 and ends at around 2:00am. I have never been the karaoke type but I figured that I would give it a shot. The strangest part of the story is that I was invited out by Sarah. I would like to be able to be friends with Sarah and a few of her friends so I made the ill advised decision to go out on the worknight despite the fact that I had things to do the following day. I had fun there, I saw a couple of people that I really wanted to see and expanded my horizons. I sang the song Engel by Rammstein and will probably go again sometime.

That being said, I also felt fairly uncomfortable most of the time I was there. I don't know if I am just being insecure or what but I felt like I was imposing while I was there. because everyone that I knew there I knew through Sarah, and everyone I met there already knew Sarah, I felt like I was an invader, or a tolerated imposition. Was it all in my head? did I create the feeling for myself? was it actually a true read on the situation? The most telling reaction I got was from someone that I actually was forming an independent friendship with, she said "what are you doing here!" when I surprised her. Was that an honest reaction? did she mean what I fear she meant, that I didn't belong there?

In addition to the weirdness I felt for being around all my ex's friends, I could not help but feel that loneliness that I had been feeling growing inside of me reach a sharper point than ever before. Seeing all these people, some of which I found attractive, carrying about and having fun, while I sat back trying to figure out where my barrier was. Was I being polite in not flirting with Sarah's friends? was I too chicken to talk to these girls? No, it is really not any of those things. None of them interested me in any permanent way. Some immature, some too young, some taken, some close friends of my ex. There was really nobody there for me, but that is the problem isn't it. There is nobody anywhere that I know of that is the right one for me. I have nobody that I am even really interested in. It is like a mystery with no clues, and no way of solving it.

Today I was kind of a zombie. I slept in later than I expected because I was out so late. I had nothing but a nutrition bar and a bottle of water for breakfast and skipped lunch. I did my work alone with the thoughts above pounding in my head whenever I would stop to think about anything. After work I stopped by my mother's place to grab a quick nap before HapKiDo and wound up missing class. I had dinner when I woke up at 7:00pm and watched the movie I, Robot with my aunt.

Now I had better get some sleep as I have to go to work fairly early tomorrow.

Who Am I?

I spoke to my ex yesterday and came to a realization. I am farther along in the process of reconciling my feelings than she is. I have a clear view in my head of who she is and what she meant and means to me. The realization that I came to is about why she is less clear about things then I am.

I know Sarah very well, we dated for seven and a half years during which I got to know the super-fun person that she is. I realize now that I became a different person around her. I was more gentile and more accommodating to her than I would be to any of my friends. I think that this is a fitting thing to do for one's significant other, but it probably lead to an inaccurate view of me as a person. Now that we are in the process of becoming friends (we were never just friends before) She is seeing a different side of me. The real me.

I wonder how badly I have misrepresented myself? Was it the wrong thing to do? Or does everyone do this for (to?) their loved ones?

Depth

I just came to a shitty realization. There is no future for me in video editing. The place I was thinking of taking my career will inevitably outgrow me. I do not see in 3D, ever since birth my eyes have not worked together to create a 3D image of the world. I only catch glimpses every now and again of depth, and as video moves to the third dimension any learning I will have in editing will be for nothing. I will be like a colorblind person in the world of color movies.

Sunday Night

It seems like this happens every week. Sunday comes to a close but Monday hasn't yet begun. I sit here in my apartment in between, knowing that the weekend is over and sort of unwilling to let the last bit of it slip away. I have to be in Burbank tomorrow morning at 8:00am but I can't rest. Instead I am up watching Elizabethtown again and blogging

What is it about an incoming week that keeps me awake?