Novia left for a cruse with her family on Saturday. I haven't seen or talked to her in a couple days. It is very difficult for me to describe the feeling of being without her. It is not like I am lost without her, but I do feel a certain amount of loss. It is also not like she is really gone. I carry her voice along inside my head. When I see something that she would like, I smile thinking about how she would get excited or amused. I look at our shared space and I feel her absence and her imprint. There is a certain lack of excitement and a pause. I am waiting for her to come home, and be back as part of me.
We all carry impressions, approximations, and echos of the people in our lives. I have a version of each of my dearest friends, and they have a version of me. This can be a pitfall where we get stuck with an impression that is no longer valid or it can be the solace that holds together the bonds of two friends that are otherwise separated. I would hope that my friends hold positive images of me. I know that I have a reputation for saying outrageous things and for being "an asshole" but I try to found these shenanigans in honesty or obvious jest. There is no real way to truly know what other people think of you, to see yourself through their eyes.
We each even have a version of ourselves that we believe to be true. This version contains all of our own internal reasoning and justifications for our actions. This is our intentions, our loves, and our shames. Is this internal version the real one? I would have to say that it is only the story we tell ourselves about ourselves and that the reality of it is as subjective as any other impression. Real is for scientists, consciousness and friendship is the stuff of poetry. Literary truth is subjective and has very little to do with objective literal fact.
The truth for me is that I am, and will always be a work in progress. I am constantly looking at myself and checking the view from my most trusted friends, and making corrections on the course. I know that I love my Novia and I miss her, but she is also right here in my head and in my heart. I know that she is missing me right now, but I am right here waiting for her, and I am also right there in her heart teasing her for having ice cream every day, and telling her that she is "the pie of my pies." We will be together again soon, and for a long time.
We all carry impressions, approximations, and echos of the people in our lives. I have a version of each of my dearest friends, and they have a version of me. This can be a pitfall where we get stuck with an impression that is no longer valid or it can be the solace that holds together the bonds of two friends that are otherwise separated. I would hope that my friends hold positive images of me. I know that I have a reputation for saying outrageous things and for being "an asshole" but I try to found these shenanigans in honesty or obvious jest. There is no real way to truly know what other people think of you, to see yourself through their eyes.
We each even have a version of ourselves that we believe to be true. This version contains all of our own internal reasoning and justifications for our actions. This is our intentions, our loves, and our shames. Is this internal version the real one? I would have to say that it is only the story we tell ourselves about ourselves and that the reality of it is as subjective as any other impression. Real is for scientists, consciousness and friendship is the stuff of poetry. Literary truth is subjective and has very little to do with objective literal fact.
The truth for me is that I am, and will always be a work in progress. I am constantly looking at myself and checking the view from my most trusted friends, and making corrections on the course. I know that I love my Novia and I miss her, but she is also right here in my head and in my heart. I know that she is missing me right now, but I am right here waiting for her, and I am also right there in her heart teasing her for having ice cream every day, and telling her that she is "the pie of my pies." We will be together again soon, and for a long time.
