Failure

Things have been bad for a while. I have less and less money every month. My job gives me only a day of work for every week or two, and I have not been able to find another job. Part of this is may be my unwillingness to search for retail positions. The end result is that I am once again looking to move back in with my mother. This time I will be taking my girlfriend with me.

This has been both a difficult and simple decision. I know that the rent that we are paying is unnecessary. I know that I will have the same amount of autonomy that I have now. I will also have access to more crafting space in the garage. I will be able to focus on getting my bachelors degree in as short a time as possible, without the added pressure of needing to work.

The problem is a social one. I have to move back into my mothers house after a second failed attempt to live on my own. Novia and I will once again be sharing our space. It is a hard thing to consider. I look around at the home we have put together and see that in two months, when our lease it up, it will all be gone. Our home will be dismantled, and the pieces will never again form the configuration that they hold now. The home that this apartment represents will cease to be. It will be another white box in another pile of boxes and the time we spent here will be over.

It feels like I have failed.

It hurts. 

Black Belt Judgement

Today I sat at the instructors table during a black belt pretest. It was quite an eye opening experience. I was assigned three of the nine black belt candidates to pay special attention to. It was very strange to watch the test with a critical eye almost a year and a half after taking it myself. I could see the errors and properly executed techniques clearly. I have been training for my second degree but at the same time I have been giving some of my time, every time I go to the dojo, to the other students there. I have been learning how to teach.

With this realization I am more able to see my own progress and find myself on the path to second degree. This is what makes learning alone so much more difficult than learning from a master. Once the test was half way through I already knew who was good enough and who was not. I could see the strengths and weaknesses as if they were written on the student's gi.

After the test, Master Connard took us into his office to discuss the students. I was very uncertain about being included in the group that was judging the progress of the black belt candidates. It felt very strange to be sharing my opinion of their hapkido. He also charged us with showing the other students what they needed to do to master their moves. He told us, "You all know what they need. Make sure they get there."  It is a responsibility that I had only been half-heartedly fulfilling. Now I need to share what I know with those coming down the path.  

Mead Batch 8

Novia and I just bottled mead batch 8. This batch has come out wonderfully. It was made with two vanilla beans, and had oak chips added to simulate barrel aging.

This batch was one of constant adjustments. It started with 12 lbs of honey and a 1.10 original gravity. After primary fermentation the specific gravity had fallen to 1.022 I was concerned that the yeast would not have enough sugar to reach full fermentation. Because of this, I added 5lbs. of honey and brought the specific gravity up to 1.060. During secondary fermentation The specific gravity dropped down to 1.038 but because of excess sweetness I added 1 liter of water and knocked the S.G. down to 1.034.

This batch yielded 18 liters of mead in 16 regular size wine bottles and four double size bottles. Unfortunately because of the constant adjustments, especially the addition of the liter of water, I am not able figure out an accurate percent of alcohol. My guess will have to be based on fuzzy math. I think the resultant mead has 12.3% alcohol by volume.

It will be hard to keep from drinking this one up. I need to keep a bottle for competition next year. I will definitely be opening a bottle tomorrow for my birthday party.

This is Halloween

I miss ceramics

Marketing

I am in a place that I don't like: I have to sell myself to people and I don't like it. I much prefer to do things and let them stand for themselves. I want to show you what I have done, not tell you what I can do. The problem is that what I am selling is an intangible. I am selling my perspective performance.

I just got a call back from one of the resumes I sent out yesterday. I am going to interview for an 'Account Representative' position at a marketing company. I am hoping that it really is a marketing job and not a cleverly disguised customer service job. I don't have problems working with people but I prefer to work with clients and not customers. So, tomorrow at 10:15am dressed in a suit, I will find out what this is.

It strikes me how bad the typical marketing company's website is. Is it a rule that they must use flash (difficult to index by search engines) or music, or shitty site layout? And the copy is always nebulous. Its like if they say too much, then the prospective client will suddenly understand marketing and do it themselves.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Great Western War

I went to another SCA event this past weekend. It always hits me hard when I get there and again when I get back, just how different that world is. When Novia and I arrived on Friday afternoon, the first thing we did after setting up camp was to breathe a sigh of relief. We have both been looking forward to the opportunity to turn our phones off and live without technology for a few days. Last weekend, the most technologically advanced thing that I used between 6:00pm Friday and 12:00pm Sunday was a flashlight. It was a wonderful departure from my normal way of life. If I wanted to find someone, I had to look for them. If I wanted information, I had to find someone who had that information. I left my online social networks behind. Things were wonderfully simple.

I am always so torn between my enjoyment of the SCA and my unwillingness to spend too much time in such a pointless activity. There was a brewing contest (which I didn't enter because I was too lazy) and classes on drumming, armor building, leather-working, and various other things. The only class I took was the drumming class. I didn't plan ahead and was too "in-the-moment" to schedule any of the classes. I only did the drum class because I happened to walk by when it happened. I definitely needed the free-floating weekend but if I am going to do this more, then I need to be more purposeful about it. There is much to learn in the SCA but I need to commit a little more to gain access to it. I think that I must enter the pentathlon this year. It is like a crafts fair where you enter in five different categories.

On another note: A friend of mine has made a new family in the SCA. He has discovered a place where he belongs and is valued. My reaction from the same crowd is one of indifference (at best). On Saturday night he was making an announcement that he was going to be a Man-At-Arms (sworn friend) for a knight (think black-belt with a stick). This is a serious promise, and is the precursor to becoming a Squire. He called me a few weeks ago and asked me to be there for the announcement so I was there. The entire time that they were doing their announcements and congratulations for another member of their group who became a knight, my other friends and I stood outside their circle waiting for the Man-At-Arms thing to be done. We sat there literally on the outside of the circle waiting silently and ignored for what seemed like an hour. We didn't belong and were only tolerated because we were friends of someone who did belong.

A little more than a year ago, Novia and I were wandering around at a different SCA event called Potrero War, and we met an interesting group. It was all started when a random stranger offered me a drink (this kind of thing is common) and after having a sip of his rum & coke, I exclaimed "Sweet Jesus" to which he replied "Well yes, actually." At this puzzling reply I took a closer look at my new friend and found that he did in fact bear quite a resemblance to Jesus of Nazareth. He was welcoming, friendly, and very drunk. He introduced us to his friends and invited us to his camp that night for a refill of our refreshments and invited us to come back the next day. We did in fact return and have sought him out at every major event since. He and his group are all fun-loving and relaxed. (I really should retell the stories of 'Sean the Blue-Handed' and 'Bucket of AIDS Joe' sometime)

I don't really know how to feel about all of this. I wonder which of these attitudes I would adopt towards outsiders. Would I be grumpy and elitist or friendly and inviting? I know that I had a lot of fun at the event (despite my hay-fever) and that most of that fun was because of old friends inviting us to party with them. An old high school friend, a new friend from Oregon, and a new friend for San Diego, all of whom I only see at SCA events made me feel incredibly welcome.