I was a late bloomer. When I was younger, I had trouble finding my place in things. I was so afraid that I would not fit in that I avoided any opportunity to try. I slowly narrowed myself down to only things that I could not fail at. I wore a lot of black and tried to blend in. I also built limitations into myself. Convinced myself that I could not do things and blocked them off as possibilities. Dressing fashionably, dancing, athletics, and many other things were simply out of my reach. I kept my head down and just tried to survive school. So many years were wasted hiding.
Sometime after high school I lost interest in hiding and became convinced of my own worth. Since that epiphany I have slowly been discarding my limitations. I have attempted a marathon and become a semi-regular runner. I have made a widespread network of friends (when I used to be to afraid that I was bothering people to call them). I have started dance lessons. I am casting off all of my old notions of what I could not do. It is amazing to ask myself "why not?" when confronted with a new situation; where I once would have been afraid of the views of my peers, I now jump in and make it my own.
It has been a long journey, from a place of constant self doubt to the realization that everyone is either trying to get along or doesn't care about your silly antics. This is a very liberating realization, and I feel much less compulsion to just get along and more able to indulge in my silly antics. I wish I could teach this to a few people I know, but it seems to be so personal of a realization that you can only come upon it yourself (or perhaps in a dream within a dream?).
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Effects of Coffee
I have been sort of listless lately. With the lack of a regular job, it has been up to my own discretion and willpower as to when I get up and how much I get done during the day. One of the factors in the equation Attention Deficit Disorder. I have never been diagnosed with ADD but my father has it, a few of my friends have it and for a long time I have been fairly sure I have it. I tend to downplay my ADD because I have met so many people that wear it like a badge of honor signifying their nonconformity with societal norms or as an excuse for ineffectiveness. I don't want to let my "disorder" define me as a person so I just don't mention it.
This brings me to the coffee. I have noticed over the past year that a cup of coffee has a positive effect on my attention span for activities that require quiet focus. I have been writing a resume and building an accompanying webpage, and that requires me to sit still while focusing on text and formatting. The coffee helps. I am not sure what part of the caffeine acts on what part on my brain but it makes a difference. Not all projects require this chemical assistance but the resume certainly does.
This brings me to the coffee. I have noticed over the past year that a cup of coffee has a positive effect on my attention span for activities that require quiet focus. I have been writing a resume and building an accompanying webpage, and that requires me to sit still while focusing on text and formatting. The coffee helps. I am not sure what part of the caffeine acts on what part on my brain but it makes a difference. Not all projects require this chemical assistance but the resume certainly does.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Unbirthday Party
Crowns that I made for my girlfriend and myself. we were the king and queen of hearts.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Small Conversations
I had a conversation with one of my neighbors today. I had never said more than hello to her in the couple of months that I have been back living in this house but I was reading a book next to a window and she was out in her back yard with a bottle of bubbles. She is not yet three years old and has an excellent command of language for her age. She is a very bright and curious little girl, and we talked about rocks, bubbles, spiders, and the avocado tree in her back yard. Then it was time for her to go for her swimming lesson and I returned to reading my book.
Talking to a two-year old is entirely different than talking to an adult and I enjoyed our little conversation about nothing of consequence. I quickly realized that I needed to use simpler words or give context for what I was saying, and that her interest on any one subject would slide in and out of focus. I have said many times lately that talking to people that are very much younger than myself is boring or frustrating or both, but there I sat talking to my diminutive neighbor with a good humor. It was refreshing to talk to someone who is freshly discovering the world (she didn't know that spiders eat other bugs) and does not have an arrogant assumption of understanding. There was no ulterior motive or expectation just bubbles, giggles, and plain conversation. Adorable.
Talking to a two-year old is entirely different than talking to an adult and I enjoyed our little conversation about nothing of consequence. I quickly realized that I needed to use simpler words or give context for what I was saying, and that her interest on any one subject would slide in and out of focus. I have said many times lately that talking to people that are very much younger than myself is boring or frustrating or both, but there I sat talking to my diminutive neighbor with a good humor. It was refreshing to talk to someone who is freshly discovering the world (she didn't know that spiders eat other bugs) and does not have an arrogant assumption of understanding. There was no ulterior motive or expectation just bubbles, giggles, and plain conversation. Adorable.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Shakespeare
I enjoy theater. I have seen more plays than most people but I recently realized (thanks to my girlfriend) that I had only ever seen one live performance of a Shakespeare play, and that was a high school production of A Midsummer Nights Dream. I am now seeking to remedy this failing. Last night I saw King Lear at the Def West theater in North Hollywood. It was quite a play. Plenty of death despair plotting and madness. I really enjoyed the play and the company (my girlfriend and her close friend from work). I have been to numerous plays with them (and sometimes my girlfriend's parents) and look forward to many more in the future.
Coming up are Love's Labor Lost, and A Winter's Tale in two weeks. After that there is Othello at Griffith Park and who knows what else.
There are reasons that Shakespeare is still performed and talked about all these years later and I am finally discovering them for myself.
Coming up are Love's Labor Lost, and A Winter's Tale in two weeks. After that there is Othello at Griffith Park and who knows what else.
There are reasons that Shakespeare is still performed and talked about all these years later and I am finally discovering them for myself.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Inflection Point
I have stopped working. I have decided that, given the facts, there is no reason to expect the company to turn around and become profitable again. This leaves me with a few options that I need to consider.
First let me mention that I have a solid savings. Even after the vacations that I have planned for August and November, I could probably live off my savings for a few months more. I have moved back to my mother's place for what was originally going to be a month before renting a house with some friends (that plan is dead and buried) and my bills are practically nothing. As excruciating as it is for me to be unemployed and living with my mother, I am not poor or uncomfortable at the moment. (To clarify, I don't mind being around my mother, I mind the social implications of living at home at my age, but not so much to go out and burn money on rent unnecessarily.)
Second I should mention an obstacle in the way of obtaining solid work. I have an almost three-week vacation coming up. I will be out of town late August to early September in eastern Europe. Any job that I attempt to get would have to be flexible enough to allow me the time away after only a month of working. I am not going to skip out on my vacation even if it means being unemployed until then. I could collect unemployment until then, or I could live off of savings.
I have a few options on how to proceed with getting a new job. First is the choice of what to do with my current job. I am now on zero hours per week, my boss will lay me off if and when I ask him to and I believe he would hire me to work for him again if he were able to make the deal he is trying to get to open an installation branch for another company. At this point I cannot wait any longer for this deal to go through, I need to secure another job and paycheck. If I get something temporary and the stars align enough to allow my boss to hire me again, then I will consider it then, but now I cannot count on it. So, I have to get some other job.
The jobs that I am looking at are through a couple of contacts that I have. I don't have anything concrete yet but I have a couple of potential positions. The first is an installation job wiring together some systems for the government. It is somewhere between a year and two years worth of freelance installation work. This job would be for more money then I was getting, but with no benefits and no security and in the same type of work that I think is a dead end for me. With the constant march of technology, I believe that skilled installers such as myself will find our jobs evaporate from under us. I expect that as systems get more powerful and easier to install, my services will be less in demand. I am not interested in hanging around until I become obsolete.
The second job connection is from an editor friend of mine who thinks that he can get me a job in the machine room of the facility where he used to work. The pay would be less then I make (don't make?) now, but it would probably be an employee position where I could move up to a better position. In this option, I would try to eventually become a supervisor to do the job of dealing with the client and keeping the editors on track and working at full efficiency. I would not be trying to become an editor due to my lack of stereo-vision and the inevitable dominance of 3D programming. This job is less likely for me to get and less pay but has a greater potential for the future.
I guess it mostly depends on which job I can actually get. I think the best outcome is doing the freelance thing between now and my vacation and then trying to get the permanent job after I come back.
Wish me luck.
First let me mention that I have a solid savings. Even after the vacations that I have planned for August and November, I could probably live off my savings for a few months more. I have moved back to my mother's place for what was originally going to be a month before renting a house with some friends (that plan is dead and buried) and my bills are practically nothing. As excruciating as it is for me to be unemployed and living with my mother, I am not poor or uncomfortable at the moment. (To clarify, I don't mind being around my mother, I mind the social implications of living at home at my age, but not so much to go out and burn money on rent unnecessarily.)
Second I should mention an obstacle in the way of obtaining solid work. I have an almost three-week vacation coming up. I will be out of town late August to early September in eastern Europe. Any job that I attempt to get would have to be flexible enough to allow me the time away after only a month of working. I am not going to skip out on my vacation even if it means being unemployed until then. I could collect unemployment until then, or I could live off of savings.
I have a few options on how to proceed with getting a new job. First is the choice of what to do with my current job. I am now on zero hours per week, my boss will lay me off if and when I ask him to and I believe he would hire me to work for him again if he were able to make the deal he is trying to get to open an installation branch for another company. At this point I cannot wait any longer for this deal to go through, I need to secure another job and paycheck. If I get something temporary and the stars align enough to allow my boss to hire me again, then I will consider it then, but now I cannot count on it. So, I have to get some other job.
The jobs that I am looking at are through a couple of contacts that I have. I don't have anything concrete yet but I have a couple of potential positions. The first is an installation job wiring together some systems for the government. It is somewhere between a year and two years worth of freelance installation work. This job would be for more money then I was getting, but with no benefits and no security and in the same type of work that I think is a dead end for me. With the constant march of technology, I believe that skilled installers such as myself will find our jobs evaporate from under us. I expect that as systems get more powerful and easier to install, my services will be less in demand. I am not interested in hanging around until I become obsolete.
The second job connection is from an editor friend of mine who thinks that he can get me a job in the machine room of the facility where he used to work. The pay would be less then I make (don't make?) now, but it would probably be an employee position where I could move up to a better position. In this option, I would try to eventually become a supervisor to do the job of dealing with the client and keeping the editors on track and working at full efficiency. I would not be trying to become an editor due to my lack of stereo-vision and the inevitable dominance of 3D programming. This job is less likely for me to get and less pay but has a greater potential for the future.
I guess it mostly depends on which job I can actually get. I think the best outcome is doing the freelance thing between now and my vacation and then trying to get the permanent job after I come back.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Bound for Mexico
Thanksgiving has been less and less of an event as years go by. It started as a huge gathering of my fathers side of the family where we all catch up with each other. Now my grandparents are gone, and father is rarely in the country for thanksgiving or for his birthday which is around the same day. Now the dinner feast is just one family and a couple of uncles and cousins. I go each year because if I didn't then I would only see this part of my family for Christmas or not at all.
This year a few anomalies have cropped up, both are birthdays. My father may actually be in town for thanksgiving and his birthday and so I want to be able to celebrate them with him. The second is that it is my girlfriend's grandfather's 90th birthday that weekend, and she has invited me to go with her to Mexico City to celebrate with her and her family.
I have not been to Mexico in many years and Mexico City is where the Girlfriend grew up, so I very much want to go with her. I decided to approach this decision directly and e-mailed my father about his birthday. He said that I should go, and that if it were his choice he would go himself. That makes half of the decision but now comes the financial part. I have recently booked a eastern Mediterranean cruise and done an expensive car repair. The thought of buying another plane ticket does not thrill me. I very much want to go, and probably will but now I am watching my carefully constructed savings crumble before my eyes.
This year a few anomalies have cropped up, both are birthdays. My father may actually be in town for thanksgiving and his birthday and so I want to be able to celebrate them with him. The second is that it is my girlfriend's grandfather's 90th birthday that weekend, and she has invited me to go with her to Mexico City to celebrate with her and her family.
I have not been to Mexico in many years and Mexico City is where the Girlfriend grew up, so I very much want to go with her. I decided to approach this decision directly and e-mailed my father about his birthday. He said that I should go, and that if it were his choice he would go himself. That makes half of the decision but now comes the financial part. I have recently booked a eastern Mediterranean cruise and done an expensive car repair. The thought of buying another plane ticket does not thrill me. I very much want to go, and probably will but now I am watching my carefully constructed savings crumble before my eyes.
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