Ok, this one is even more sappy then the last one. If you are getting sick of it skip this next paragraph.
I am still resisting. Slowly the barriers come down and slowly I let her more and more in to my life. No, that's not true, there is nothing slow about it. I am running desperate and foolish. First it was the calls. I try to keep it cool but we talk for an hour or more on the phone about anything, just drinking each other in. We talk about her, about me, we talk about cultural identity and how it relates to ethnicity we talk about movies and places er have been. Then, when the week is over, we can see each other and hold each other. We look into each others eyes and kiss and think of anything anywhere as long as it is together. Then apart again which is like pain. I am addicted to her, to her touch, to her smell. It is a physical thing a crawling feeling beneath my skin, a shiver along my spine. I think of her and want to reach out, to text or to call. I check facebook and then I check again. I know her email address and want to connect to her via chat, but I don't because it will kill any focus that I have left. How can you miss someone that you saw that morning?
One thing that I still keep separate is this blog, but I do not know for how long. I asked a friend of mine and she told me what I should have already known: that it will be time when it is time, and counting days is irrelevant. I want her to be able to know about me and about my thoughts. I believe that she would care for me more after reading these posts so that is not what is stopping me from sharing. If I give her the address to this blog it will create an imbalance. She will have access to a couple of years of my thoughts and feelings. My thinking on my ex, my fears, my insecurities. I will have none of that. I trust that she is being open and truthful to me, but there is so much ground to cover and I think we should cover it together. Even so, I am already compensating for her future access. I have already omitted a post that I would have made about us. Only time will tell.
5 comments:
OK, so two things:
1) Why do you care if other people will consider your blog sappy and sickening? It's your blog. If they've got a problem with it, then they can go deal with it. No one's forcing 'em to read it.
2) As to when you share this, IF you share this - I wouldn't worry about it. Honestly. At least, not right now. There are more important (and pleasurable) things to keep your mind occupied. Hell, I have some journals and entries Sakira has never read (and likely never will). Like your friend told you - you'll know when you know, if/when it ever happens. If you still feel the deep need to write about it, you can do so somewhere else instead of a public forum. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everything in this day and age of technology needs to be plastered around for the masses to peruse.
In other words, stop worrying about it and go enjoy life, you damn fool! ;)
AGREED!! ^^^
I suppose my reluctance to get all sappy and happy where my friends will see it comes from a conversation I had with a friend something like seven years ago. I was talking to him about my then-girlfriend and he mentioned that it was inconsiderate of me to sit there continually mention "my girlfriend" in front of him and my other friends who did not have someone. That conversation stuck with me and now I am reluctant to expose others who would not appreciate it to my happiness.
He may have been a selfish jerk but he may also be right.
I'd go in the realm of the selfish. Mentioning that you have a girlfriend is no different than talking about the promotion you got at work, the awesome trip you just took, the fact that you won the lottery, or bought a new house. As long as you're not constantly & intentionally rubbing it in someone's face, then there's nothing wrong with talking about it - people naturally want to share the good things in their lives. Unfortunately, there's the fact that someone will always be jealous, but what can you do? Those of us that know you will know if and when you're just sharing something that makes you happy, or when you're just being a jerk about it to show off. And I have yet to see you do the latter for as long as I've known you.
AGREED to BOTH!!! ^^^
Sure glad I could give my incredibly valuable incite to this discussion.
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