Attitude adjustment

I was recently told by a friend that another mutual friend really doesn't like me very much. My first reaction was to blow it off. I thought that if that person couldn't come to me and talk it out then it invalidated their right to resolution.

Well since then I have been thinking a little bit on it. Perhaps the individual in question is irrelevant and the important part is that I am pushing someone in my social circle away. I am an aware and introspective person and I am am cognizant of my own personality and how it has been changing over the past few years. I would like to think that I am the architect of who I am and that my own choices lead me consciously to be a better person bit by bit.

I have role models the people I look up to. I pay attention to the people who are the kind of person that I want to be, and I attempt to follow their example. One of the things that I noticed these past few years is that people who are witty and even pompous and dismissive of others seem to be well liked. A cutting snarky remark is the new black. I began slowly with a dirty joke here and a friendly jab there until I could judge the reaction of those around me. To all appearances it was working. People seemed to enjoy my antics and I was having some fun cutting loose.

Now I am worried that I have taken the new cares-to-the-wind attitude too far. Have I started alienating my friends with my irreverence? I am proud of my ability to converse with people. I feel that I am good at establishing a positive dialog and opening up communication when it gets jammed. A side effect of this confidence is that I am somewhat dismissive of people who deal with problems by avoiding them. Now I know that I am not going to confront this friend but I am still going to think about their reaction to me.

Another friend of mine has said more than once with a smile and a laugh “you're such an asshole, we love you.” I took this to be amused approval through mild shock over what I had just said. Perhaps it was shock and reproach masked with humor. I will talk to her about that because we have a closer relationship. She has once caught me up when making some racial comments and jokes. I was coming from an attitude of absurdity, but she and others only felt the deep and enduring hatred that runs with them.

It is time to reexamine and see how I am doing.